


Something interesting.

by SubordinateClaws



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-28
Updated: 2013-06-09
Packaged: 2017-12-06 18:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 22,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/738543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SubordinateClaws/pseuds/SubordinateClaws
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This will end up being nothing less than an endless, winding tangent of incalculable horseshit.  It will consist of a series of journals alternately written by Dirk and Jake both, which will be filled in with a series of event scenes and assholish fact sets. Some other people may show up. Maybe there will be a hologram or five.<br/>There are definitely carnivorous plants.<br/>Basically, it's like a puzzle you don't get a hint coin for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another one of those "eradicate the game and reconstruct the universe" things. Alternative multiverse? Punk universal topsy tervy showery faceplant? The New Deal? Gosh darnit, I am just terrible with the slang thrown about around the internet used to refer to the deliberate change of canonical pieces of characterization or settings. 
> 
> To pose this simply, more details about this work will come when they are absolutely necessary.  
> I am being an obstinate stick in the mud, smirking when you hover over any of MY cards with YOUR hand.  
> That's right.  
> I'm not telling you which ones the old maid.  
> You'll take it without knowing and I'll bask in the sunshine that is acting.

Sometimes the wind isn't so careful with the direction it chooses to blow.

Today is a moderately interesting day.

The temperature is irrelevant.

The setting is irrelevant.

The location of the sun and the noise in the background, perhaps children murmuring or the whirling of a car engine, perhaps the sun is almost setting and the sky is tinted purple and orange in a violent slurry of terminal confusion; this is all **irrelevant.**

We're dealing with a subject of internal noise.

Dirk is currently 15 years old. He is living in what can only be described as a “divergent” reality. It's the same reality that everyone else walks through tirelessly; his shoes drag as others drag, his environments are the same as others stay the same, and the physical manifestation of his being remains to be.....human.  
  
It's a matter of perspective. Where others see appearances, he sees collections of thought. Where others see one concept or fact, he sees seven. Where others are blind, he sees. Look at all of this special snowflake bullshit.  
  
Now, this is a terminally ironic state of affairs considering he always wears those thick black shades all of the time. Example one of those three aforementioned gaps in perception being that even the design of the shades he dons has its own layers of subjective interpretation and extended relevance. Lets deconstruct the glasses, shall we?  
  
First off, it's worthwhile noting that Dirk happens to have a significant interest in philosophy. Pondering the extent and definition of human intelligence, reason, morality, futility, and reality; things that people do when either striving for the ultimate understanding of just about everything or the habit of the terminally depressed. Dirk is an amalgamation of these two things. Plato's works featured a lot of insights into all of these things.  Most notable of his works would be The Republic, a Socratic dialogue which prides itself in being the literature equivalent of a brick. It's not even a normal brick. The mass on this brick is so substantial that you're guaranteed victory in a duel if you choose to wield it.  
  
Plato happens to be one who wrote the Timaeus (TimaeusTestified, nothing significant there) and harbored a strong affectation for triangles though he was most notable for oceans. Socahtoa? Triangles are the subject that philosophy seems to never be able to let down. Is it their inviting shape? The infinite availability of humans to gain insight on plausible methods of reconstruction of them in conjunction with the theory that they are the base element of all forms? Is it their easily manipulated form for meaningful purposes? Or perhaps is it the warm and passionate allure of the scalene ones that had these people betwixt?  
  
We ain't givin' no fucks to that, we only gotta note that that dudes wicked hankering for the pointed hellbeasts led to this hellbeast's yearning for the pointed ones. In conjunction with his pop-cultural background, that is. In fact, the alternative reasoning which a predominant amount of people have given full attention to is the fact that the glasses follow the form of the ones Kamina wears in Gurren Lagann. The difference is that Kamina's are colored red like the burning, flaming hot interior of his soul whereas mine are black because it's both the color of my soul and black is the ideal color to invoke for demonic possession prevention. It's a well known fact that stupid shades prevent demon puppet shit from occurring, and this has been true this whole time.  
  
Did I mention that it's Dirk writing this? Hello friends, I'm here. I'm sorry if you wanted one of those cool, exterior view narratives to open where I'm flaunting my shit in skin tight jeans and I just to happen to accidentally commit the act of yaoi with someone, but where is the fun in that? There isn't any. It would be a story that's already been told a million times before. If you don't believe me, please see every website ever and keep seeing every website ever.   
  
By the way, that comment pertaining to yaoi was ironic, put out your flames and leave the comment section alone. To properly to define “you” here, I mean to say whoever has opened this file. By comment board, I mean to say the little fallacy in which I am not able to fully control editing restrictions. Anyway. I suppose I should discuss why we're here. This is what can only be described as a diary, despite me changing the font on my writing program to green comic sans and the background of said program to black to make everything look like a SBAHJ text-based adventure game. I guess it's to retain sound mind? Probably. I wouldn't necessarily say sanity because I have a lot of it and I'm not liable to lose any soon. True sanity seems like insanity which in turn makes people think you're insane; effectively banning you from returning to fandom club ever again.

  


One day, I'm sure some poor fool will look upon the pages yet to come and derive how not to operate an existence.

Yeah.


	2. Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we see the noble Jake English.  
> Jake English: Otherwise known as the true test of your capacity to bullshit.  
> *There was an error up here for like two months and nobody told me it was here. Wweh. :(

Today would probably be best described as warm and fairly pleasant!  
Nothing too uncomfortable or extraneously remarkable.  
Nothing more nothing less! Simply the words I have put forth right there.  
As for my current location i am smack dab in the middle of my room scribbling little words around like a charlatan haymaker because my grandmother currently wont let me out of my room because *APPARENTLY* making a royal ruckus of an otherwise boring and useless affair is a bad thing to do.  
The details of this affair are boring and useless and shall not be spoken about unless you would like to speak about them later in which case i am under the gentlemanly inclination to speak about them.  
What i will say is that i may have broken a vase or two scurrying around.  
And these such vases may or may not have carried more than a few rare species of plants that jade may or may not have been in the process of evaluating.  
Ehe.  
Hehe. Ha.  
Dont you worry your little heads though future audience as i have made sure to make jade a proper sorry card for it.  
Its takes care of the ups and downs of things.  
Its sincere and well written and i drew a little shitty dog on it and its barking.  
Its a rare sort of facade to dissuade the depths of her anger long enough for me to jump out a window and escape because when she gets mad its like the very fires of hell have erupted from the depths and have personified.  
  
Dont you worry again though!! I would only escape for like two hours and then come back once shes gotten herself calm again.  
I am an attractive rebel with an adventurous spirit but even i know not to split the heck out on ones own grandmother.  
That would be ludicrous! D:

Oh. 

Oh wait this is much better.

*Smooches conveniently placed green pen*  


Thank you mister green pen!  


I will be sure to repay this grand debt little by little and i might even introduce you to a nice lady or gentleman pen depending on your pen preference.

 

 

This is how far i have come.  


I have reduced myself to talking to pens and it has only been fifteen minutes.  


(No offense mister pen!!!) 

*Sets comrade on desk where i found it; returns to writing promptly*  


Heck and a half and the bessemer process jake akwete english what the hell are you doing with yourself they would say.  


And i would respond:  


I havent got a clue in the slightest!  


But. Inquiring future minds i have a little bit of knowledge to share with you.  


You have to promise to keep it on the hush hush though.  


Like. Cover your mouth while reading it even.  


I have a bit of a meeting planned with an old friend of mine scheduled soon.  


Of course this is my only true friend and of course he happens to be someone i met smack dab in the middle of a movie forum. He actually was a bit crass at that point.  


And he was and still is a major fucking dork.  


Its not that he knows a lot because i think that is just the raddest thing. Its just that he refuses to act in a nonrobotic manner. He also refuses to admit that he genuinely *likes* things sometimes. I swear he treats living like its some sorta disease for the nonironically inclined. *Hentaipatitis* if you will. Did he ever get to telling me what hentai was? The jerk. 

He also was and still is quite crass.  


I like him anyway!!  


Were going to see a film and go to dinner alone together.  


It kind of sounds like a date when stated in a linear fashion but i can assure you that its in fact *not* a date.  


Besides! My grandmother is transporting me there and taking me back and she would be throw a royal hoopla about whisking myself away on mystical courting festivals without equipping my partner with any sort of weaponry first.  


The distress she would have!  


Also make no comment about a mans swagger and its relation to being driven around by grandmothers.  


I respect my grandmother unlike you ungrateful chumps.  


!!!!  


Oh!  


Well isnt that nice.  


Jade let open the door already. She says that its because i actually knocked over a fake plant that got mistaken for an invaluable live one. She is so silly.

Note: real plants do not have fake leaves. Got it. 

I just gave her the card and she says that my writing is impeccable and my doggy is cute.  


She also is questioning why i keep running back and forth to my notebook.  


In hindsight this is very stupid.

  


Ill be gone now.


	3. Chapter 3

**SPECIAL EVENT: PAST KIND**

Before we can properly progress, it's worth noting that special events will be classified by relative time. They will not always run in a linear manner and are likely to be few and far between. They all will lend themselves to the ultimate truth of the fiction, besides the obvious truth of the fiction already set forth which would obviously be sloppy makeouts. The specific ordering in which the events occur will be denoted with a subtle string of words that correspond with a song firmly rooted in pop culture, which will be a song link that I hand to you eventually. It's Homestuck fanfiction! This type of assholery should be standard by now!

*Note: this will never be a thing past this specific event. Never trust episode 3.

**OKAY, NOW WE'RE STARTING THIS SHIT.**

The day was exceedingly bland and the children discovered the fallacies in common order and took it upon themselves to start an activism group for the progression of man. Now, (About time!) we're joining Jake.

His room was littered with miscellaneous papers, comics, and empty dvd cases. His DVDs were stored where they should be rightfully stored, in a pile on top of his desk. The pile was so unruly that it hardly could be considered a pile so much as an absolute shitstack. The desk in contrast, was constructed carefully part by part by his grandmother, only to be scratched and marked up day by day by Jake. This would be to her chagrin if it wasn't to her expectation, and she took it upon herself to compliment whatever piece of work contributed to the mutilation of the beloved desk. Love hurts, and sometimes it hurts so much that it literally causes wounds.  
  
A series of prop guns, cerulean girl figures (largely nude ones, he made sure to keep those clothed whenever company was over lest they think him some sorta weirdo), action figures and broken remains of animal skulls could be found sprawled about on the desk. This always made using the desk in any practical way tedious, but what is a man without his hobbies? Nothing! Practicality is not much to an adventurer either. You're too busy viewing the landscapes forgotten by time and the art that man forgot about to be practical about things. Perhaps desecration is another avenue for an adventurer too. Yes, desecration. Oh the feeling of just breaking somebody else's work. You can imagine the tear running down the cheek of the poor ancient artisan now......

And speaking of nothing, Jake had not one friend before this point in time. He had not a singular soul with whom he could share comic and movie trivia or the exploits of his adventures with. His adventures entailed a series of lonely journeys throughout the woods in the back of his home, where he would scavenge for remnants of history's past and occasionally act out a scene from a film. He was nothing less than completely awful at acting. He was nothing less than completely awful at keeping said historical remnants in tact. Awful. He was just awful.  
  
Jake was coming back home from an adventure failed, thinking over the errors as he stepped to the rhythm of his own mind. His rhythm is somewhere towards that of Dancing Lasha Tumbai in terms of spontaneity and whimsy. Jake's brow was furrowed slightly and his jacket was slightly torn from having been pulled on by a nearby branch. Dirt chose to smudge violently on his left cheek. Jake's hand held a torn piece of paper; the lettering on it marked with a rare sort of ink and written in a way that was both completely illegible and completely graceful all the same. His other hand only contained a series of cuts and bruises. You won't hear about any of this for a long while after this, but I want you to know that it's infinitely important that you keep it in mind. 

After a short period of time, Jake was back in the confines of his awful room. He set his awful jacket on his awful chair and did the only logical course of action for someone who has just been out and about for a series of hours. He went online. On this specific day, he chose to only open two tabs. One held his favorite website of all which incidentally was also his homepage; GREEN-EYES-PEELED-FOR-BLUE-LOOKERS-NUDE.COM.  
  
It's a mystery to this day as to why this specific page attracted so much interest.  
  
The other tab was a movie forum the boy frequented often. The layout was green and black with a distorted jpg artifact Ghostbusters logo featured as the top banner. At any one time there was only one singular topic of interest on the boards, despite the multitude of topics available to pick from. This struck Jake as being a tad peculiar, but he didn't mind because he could easily become the center of attention, and generally got good feedback on what he bothered to post.  
  
This particular day the topic was WAB. WAB was always a safe topic because no one bothers to troll it and no one bothers to compliment it either. Except Jake, that is. Jake, being the impeccable writer he is, set out to write an incredibly awful one sided evaluation of this.......film. A few posts followed, complimenting the fact that he didn't have a negative outlook on it and that the points he made were mostly valid. Jake was fairly satisfied with this until “it” happened.

“It” is the only name suitable for this event which quite possibly was the biggest fuck-up in the history of man.

Someone criticized Jake.

The username of the culprit was euthyphroNebrospastos.

What a douche.

dialoguePuppet or whatever the hell his name was, decided to walk through why a predominant amount of Jake's highlights were error laden and made an exceptionally long list regarding the low points of the film. He was nice enough to include three good ones. Not good points on the film, so much as three good films that Jake should have been watching in the first place. Now naturally, being that this was the first time that Jake had been criticized on his favorite little forum, (On his favorite little movie at that!) the reasonable response was to simply take what the other person had said into consideration and thank them for their input, correcting the opposition where necessary.

Jake....laughed?

He laughed.

He wrote back about how funny the other fellow spoke and that the jokes he typed were hilarious and that they should be buddies.

The other dude simply responded with an adamant “Fuck no.” and proceeded to explain how nothing he typed there was a joke, though he does joke often.

Jake proceeded to ignore this and harassed poor little platoMuppet for three weeks with friendly messages until poor little socraticPlushtoy gave in.

And so Jake gained his first friend Dirk in this manner.

They also had a rousing discussion on the morality of corpse fucking and puppeting dead dudes inspired by the film. 


	4. Okay.

 

 

**Years forward where we first were with the original insecure young man.**

Radologue #12; To be later added to the princeofdopemonologues.

I've decided that these should totally be called radologues, no matter if they end up being rad or a monologue or not. Radologue just falls off the tongue correctly, you feel me? The alternatives I suppose would be "brologue" or "whining trail down the road to screech central". Brologue, while more attractive when stated in a linear fashion, sounds closer to prologue which is not what I'm doing so much as establishing a set of fail-safe anti future fuckup guards. These guards, while normally composed through layers and layers of pedantic horseshittery, will in part be constructed in a series of rhymes. This is in part to confuse any individual that wants to potentially replicate any project of mine, in part because this is how it should fucking should be. None of these should be taken on a linear level. Gotta think 'em through. Besides, I get practice to catch some wicked ground on Sawtooth while spewing the verbatim of the sacred ones. Aint nothin' wrong with that.

 

 

It's not like I'm using this to detract away from something larger on my mind or anything.

Which I might be, or I might not be.

Ask the movie tickets.

They know.

**Current project type** : Puppet

**Classification** : 3246

The strings that fall above the line

Retract and reform to fall in time

With the Incessant yearning for a higher juxtaposition with its position and exterior ambition

Which it lacks

Due to the proposition given by a higher inquisition of thought

Aint complaining im just distraught

Over the Implications for the limitations of man

Are we simply puppets caught by a strand? __ *Editing note: No. You back this creative car around and you fucking fix that shit.

**Current project type** : Puppet

**Classification** : 3446

The hands are set to a clock set to mock

The eyes set to a journal thats infernal

The legs set to the sky thats up high __ *Editing note; This one does in fact have a correspondent higher meaning, but did you really have to rhyme high with sky? Come on man.

All of the masses are set to cry

The introduction of the he will spark their undoing

But who is he?

Actually a we

A group collaboration

A figment of pure imagination

A reminder of the freedom of life

And yet his presence only serves to create strife

 

**Current project type** : Weapon _ *Editing note; Oh, shit. Didn't see that one coming._

**Classification** : 2456

The gears that turn within me ache day by day

No sense in placing it in fancy word play And they will continue to stay

And stay

And stay

As if They will never go away

The blood that runs within me feels like oil spil-ing __ *Editing note; Imagine that the words are being drawn out at the end. You know, for effect. 

From the incessant drill-ing

Surrounding is a layer of metal which is just grind-ing And wind-ing

As if it's all whining and timing the lying

To correspond with its plan to stay in the cycle of whining and timing and lying

Which will inevitably end up not matter-ing

When everything seems to be splatter-ing. __ *Editing note; Wow, someones happy!

Clearly, there is still a bit of work to be done here. Oh well. Acceleration in a skill only comes with practice on top of practice on top of practice, and I can safely say that anyone who has ever been good at anything is sane in one way or another. That or I screwed them up intentionally in order to plant some ideas in your mind. Which one is it? Haha. 

As for the aforementioned movie tickets, I'm kind of nervous for this whole thing. I mean on one hand, I get to flip off what I would like to refer to as the "Hansen institution" if all goes well. On the other hand, I'm mainly worried about the impression I might make here. I mean, yeah okay, robotics are bodacious and I can extrapolate from the interior of my cranium many subjects of interest which I can speak on fluently and all, but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm not quite on his plane of reality so to speak.

**_ *Editing note; Never say the phrase "extrapolate from the interior of my cranium" again._ **

****

 

He's just on another fucking level.

_ *Editing note; Don't take that literally but if it ends up being correct on a literal level; it will be a pleasant surprise. Not that I'm liable to get half that far. _ _Wonk._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The princeofdopemonologues exist.  
> And at some point you will be able to see the method by which the puppets are classified.  
> Maybe.  
> But it's a maybe that equates to a hectopascal.


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

** The beginning of the end**

**  
**It may soon be the end, but don't worry. The end is just the beginning.

Or so my Smashing Pumpkins album tells me.

 

 

 

 

 

The restaurant was hardly fit for the occasion and in years to come it has been commonly regarded as the most boring restaurant to ever be chosen for this sort of scenario. Naturally, the one who picked out this location was Jake. Typical.

It was a diner. It was small, but not too small. The booths were just red enough to leave a mark on the mind and just comfortable enough to exceed the average chair. The floors were a pale wooden brown and slightly scoffed from the dragging of pedestrian shoes across it.  
  
The walls were painted a solid white. No paintings could be seen around. Every table had a small dim lamp above it and not a window was to be had around the place. These did not help the area at all as the predominant amount of the lights in the building managed to be darker still.  
  


All of this came together into one disgustingly normal environment that could best be described as a stock location one would pull out for lack of 3D modeling experience. Jake and Dirk both settled on the fact that dinner first would be the best course of action, due to the chaotic nature of the movie theater among other questionable reasons.  
  


Both males agreed that six pm on the dot would be the best choice of time for the ordeal. They also made no effort whatsoever to place in any sort of handshake, code, or sign to make sure the meeting was genuine. Normally, the place was as empty as can be, which is why Jake was so very fond of it. The lack of chattering always left the area quiet with the exception of the faint humming of the background music and gossiping of the staff. What was being gossiped about with so little people around was always a mystery.

Dirk was the first to arrive, if for no other reason that he was really fucking excited. His attire ran as follows: A plain, exceptionally high-collared white shirt with a hat on it, black pants, black fingerless gloves, black dress shoes, and of course a set of black Kamina esc. shades because the only way to get him to remove them is to pry them off his dead corpse. No external effort to be anything other than his normal state of being made its way into his mentality.  
  
He was just that cool. He arrived at exactly 5pm on the dot with the knowledge that Jake would be set to arrive at 6, but would most likely arrive at 7. Typical.  
  
  He passed the time daydreaming about the appearance of his ~~_lover_~~ dear friend, and made a series of highly related comics on a notebook he happened to carry with him. The notebook was small and black with a picture of a hat on the cover. The carrying of a notebook of any sort was antediluvian at best, but it helped to hold his thoughts, his design ideas, and most importantly his ~~_borderline_~~ pornographic sketches. 89% of this notebook was dedicated to the aforementioned sketches.

Jake arrived at 6:30 on the dot. This was because unlike his more extreme and deliberately off canter brohoncho, he had the common decency to get properly dressed for the occasion. He looked like the absolute gentleman other people think he is for some reason. Jake spent approximately three hours in the bathroom staring at himself and fixing things he deemed unfit.  
  


He wore a little gray suit with black cleats, and made sure to actually comb his hair approximately 46 different times. It still looked just as messy as it usually did, but at least he bothered to try. Jade eventually had to drag him out of the bathroom after calling him silly and issuing a series of time warnings. The drive was short, and Jade promptly warned him to not be late coming home. She then kissed his cheek before driving off.   
  


Jake then proceeded to walk into the diner with a certain spring in his step. Jake, for reference, had no notion in hell as to what his friend looked like. He kind of assumed it would be an electric spark moment where you look at a certain individual, and they automatically know to look back at you straight in the eyes. All time would seem to freeze. The sounds in the background would hush and the only sound you would hear would be the faint movements and voice of the target individual. It would invoke a certain rare sort of euphoria rarely found in life.

One would laugh.

The other smiles and waves.

You both say to yourselves,

This.

This is my online friend.

 

That was not what happened.

 

Jake decided that now would be a good time to gain some sort of clue as to who he was looking for and the best method of doing so was to simply look around.

One person looked much too old to be him.

One person was not a him. 

One person was both too old and not a him. 

Then he turned towards Dirk.

_ Oh hell no. _

 

In Jake's perception, he was just too. Too...

There was a list of things that this male seemed to be way too much of to be his friend.

 

  * Too punkish

  * Too anime

  * Too stoic

  * Too much hair-gel owning

  * Too much not try hardish when it comes to attire

  * Too much hat on attire

  * Too early in arrival

  * Too bookishishish to be....

  * No wait shit, Dirk fits all of these things. No. No no. How dare someones outward manifestation be somewhat likened to the interior of their person! Why else do we have "do not judge a book by its cover" psas for????




This cannot be him. He is not here yet. Please he not be here yet. Sure, it's like, 30 minutes late than the projected meeting time but there's still hope! What if he left and you need to message him to come back? What if he is arriving in the *cool* manner and is simply taking his time because he was on a rugged adventure like you tend to do sometimes?

Jake was briefly asked where he wanted to sit by one of the staff members and he responded that he was waiting for a friend.

Dirk just so happened to have finished coloring the hair on a character with his pen, when through some fit of ineffable knowledge, he knew to look up.

The following thoughts of the two ran as follows:

 

Holy shit.

That guy.

He's fucking adorable.

Look at that, he even has a little bow at the top of his suit. One shift and he could be man Kyary. Or man Croft for that matter.

His glasses are even over-sized a little, kind of like what the hipsters do, but he's clearly wearing them seriously. Clearly.

His eyes are really bright also.

Aww no.

_Is he._

No please.

Don't do that.

Nobody can handle that shit.

I'm serious man.

Is he staring at me?  

Totally fucking serious here.

He's talking with his hands and the gestures are pretty exaggerated at that.

I might just roll over into a kawaii coma. Well, if my soul wasn't filled with hate, that is.

No wait he totally is. 

Please that be Jake.

What have I done to you buster?!? 

Yep. That has to be Jake.

Ohhhh no. OHHHH NO. WHAT IF HE GETS IDEAS? DONT YOU GET ANY IDEAS. 

You know what, I'll just go ask. If he ends up not being Jake, that's totally cool.

!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO NO NO. NO. YOU SIT BACK DOWN. 

I'm doing this. 

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME HOOLIGAN?!?  

Oh wait of course not as I am thinking these things. 

Breathe, Dirk.

THE ABSOLUTE HORROR OF THE SITUATION! 

THE TRAVESTY! 

 He probably will be a pretty kind dude.

_YOU SCOOT RIGHT ON OUT OF HER-_

 

“Jake? Is that you?”

“Um. Yes! Well. Jake would be my name anyhow. Im going to run under the assumption that youre dirk then?”

“Yep. Nice to finally see you man.”

“Likewise!”

 

Fuck. 

Score.

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to your scheduled dokis after the break.

 

** A SERIES OF DETAILS FOR THE INQUISITIVE MIND**

 

** 1\. The forest.**  
The forest's floor is covered by a series of thick vines followed by long stretches of pure grass. Layers upon layers of bright sunlight flow heavily upon the sea of green. The trees are spaced far enough apart that navigation around the area is easy, and the ones that are present touch the sky with a strict sort of perseverance. The tallest and thickest ones line the exterior of the forest in large numbers while they gradually thin and lessen in quantity as you walk to the north. It's not a terribly apparent gradation, but can be noticed if you examine the area from an aerial viewpoint. Animals are an especially rare sight around the area and the ones that are around are especially benevolent. Bird chirping fills the air during the days and the sound of owls haunts the night. The only human wandering around the forest at any one time is Jake.

 

** 2\. Dirk's room.**

Dirk's room is filled with a plethora of fun things. Miscellaneous robot parts, a series of oil canisters, figurines, plush toys, puppets, Squarewave and books on history are the most prevalent. The computer in his room is large and affixed to an even larger screen that almost encompasses the entirety of his wall. At night, he tends to leave a recent conversation he has had with Jake on the exceptionally large screen to provide himself a sense of security and comfort. Squarewave is the only being he lives with. He and Jake both live in Texas.

 

** 3\. Jake's original island.**

Jake and his grandmother Jade used to live on the island they are so famed for living on in canon, but now they are not. Reasons for this are dubious.

 

** 4\. Puppet/Machinery classification.**  
The first two numbers correspond with the model number of the creation, the second two correspond with the purpose. Dirk keeps a spreadsheet listing all possible purposes for his creations with their correspondent numbers, along with a picture of each one made. Perhaps it's an effort to track his personal advancement, perhaps it's an effort to make sure each and every creation of his is remembered. They are all remembered and have a purpose. Almost all puppets will automatically fall under classification of 46 because he happens to make a lot of them for the purpose of pornography. He views it on an artistic level and occasionally will create a scene which has a double meaning to challenge his viewers.

 

** 5\. Condition of the world.**

Most everyone is dead.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay!! :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 46th time is the charm! - Says nobody.

Jake (partially) shook off his incredibly rude silent judgment and decided to enjoy the time with his buddy the best he could. It was still his old friend after all. It was still his only friend after all. After the initial introduction, he followed Dirk to his table with his best quickly instigated fake smile. The table's lamp happened to be of a different bulb type than the other tables in the diner featured, which caused the table to appear a faint shade darker than the rest. The general mood emanating from the table for the predominant amount of the night happened to be a faint shade darker also. Jake choose to sit on the opposing side of the booth that Dirk was on. This was both to be expected due to general rules of conduct and largely to Dirk's dismay, not that Dirk actually showed any outward signs of that. Dirk placed away his notebook and pen neatly to the side before hearing Jake's first words of true manbro conversation. 

  
  


So. Were here! 

Yep. There's pretty much no other way to describe whats occurring right now other than by using the term happening, unless of course we wanted to veer for the option “hellaciously biznasty”

….........

…....................

…...............................

What?

Call me startled! Its just that I didnt expect you to resort to your online cadence is all. 

…..Is it bad? 

No! No. No no. 

It can hardly be considered to be bad. 

Just a tad unusual i suppose!! 

Thanks.

For what? 

Technically, constituting something unusual or abnormal is a compliment seeing as abnormality is such a hardship to achieve. Especially because most aren't even cognizant of what normal is in contrast with the abnormal. Some things are distinctively abnormal, but a majority of abnormality actually takes several years of study to develop. It doesn't help that abnormality is given the connotation of being innately bad whereas the things that classify towards being more normal on the spectrum are seen as innately good. All and all, the discrepancy between normality and abnormality is in part due to the lack of willingness of individuals to be observant, and in part because the discovery of normality, especially normality at its absolute state, is shocking and can be quite traumatizing to some. I mean think about it. Knowing that somewhere in the world, someone could be speaking in the exact manner you do while having the same hobbies and interests, even if their exterior is completely different, is completely fucking mortifying. 

Oh. I suppose that would be quit- 

There's no rule of nature telling nature to fuck off of replication completely. Sure, outward replication is rare, but you're still on average said to have 5-7 individuals that look almost identically like you. And that's just on an external level! Far more common are the internal similarities. We're almost all bound to the same methods of perception unless you're granted a mental abnormality which would definitely bend your reality. It would be the same reality but not. More basically, a large amount of what's defined as abnormal can actually be found quite commonly, such as the interjection of a vocal abstraction, the simple modification of attire, having read a specific piece of literature or even belonging to a more seemingly peculiar group such as the ones focused on differing aspects of pop culture. What's worse is that we're all forced to inhibit the same notion of reality, making true individuality implausible. There's a profound beauty in the abstraction of the alternative. What if we could theoretically reinvent it all? What if we could take only the good and construct a haven for the interesting? I would bet the land would adhere to at least the second level of Cuil theory in order to keep everyone on an even stance. Heh. 

**(Kill me. Kill me now. Take my soul and the necrowhozits and use it to summon cthulu to take him with me. Juniper blossoms and the 5th of may someone stop my dismay! I am a poet i have no idea why people friggin hate my words. They are ridonkulous.)**

Anyway. The aforementioned groups of people before the society rant almost predicate their existences on the holding of peculiarity when in fact, because of the interest of others in the same sort of peculiarity, they actually run a course very similar to hundreds of people before them. Isn't that kind of disturbing? That people can be completely oblivious to whats around them?

Dirk. 

The worst part about normality is that it drowns out progression. Though, technically we only care about it because we're human. If we were anything else, we wouldn't give a shit. Everything is kind of infinitely minuscule when we put it into relative sight, like for instance we only have meaning and purpose because we fathom those in the eyes of another human. There could be loads of things external from our world that we simply have no perception of. We don't even know how small our perceptions are! We could be fake manifestations made by fake manifestations made by fake manifestations, and we're already in one of billions of universes on a rock. We're just so small, you know? Just. So fucking small. 

 

DIRK. 

I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

I know that had to be painful to hear.

I'm just kind of. 

Chatty. You are definitely one chatty fellow. I would be willing to be that chatty is the best ascertainable word to describe your condition here! 

Nervous.

Oh. 

Thats um. 

Thats quite alright! 

I mean. I sorta am myself. 

Both chatty and nervous that is. 

Jade has barked my ear off on more than one occasion for being a chatterbox in fact! You should see me after gaining a new film. Its just an abundance of chatter in an endless flurry and i am not sure why jade puts up with me! 

At any rate I would be willing to bet the most skyward of the dollars that you make a royal hubbub of your home with all of this abnormal knowledge and exceptionally long yet valid abnormal speaking of yours. 

I live alone with Squarewave. He was created mainly to rap. He can reciprocate speech on normal matters but he either hardly takes interest or gets confused. It's kind of adorable actually.

No humans then?

Nope.

Not a one?

Just zero.

Im sure you have relatives though! 

One. He's missing. Probably dead by now.

 

D:

 

And then a large period of silence ensued until the waitress finally went over to take their orders. She would have simply taken their drink orders, if not for the insistence that meals be served a bit earlier than usual. Jake decided on getting some soda along with a simple cup of soup. The way he looked at it, he could consume the soup's broth in the slowest manner possible and drink the soda in the quickest manner possible to obstruct further words on his part from happening.

Dirk simply ordered water.

 


	8. Corrections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bold is the external text we typically get to see.  
> The non-bold is a set of streaming thoughts from Jake and Dirk both.  
> This is all a product of indecisiveness.
> 
> *Wow, the timing on this one was accidentally quite choice.  
> Witzardry!!

All I have to do is keep a straight mind and ill get through this. Thats all you have to do english. That is all. So that comment was horrendously awful. Its nothing you cannot recover from. But then again I could always veer towards NOT attempting to fix it ever which would also prevent me from digging a much deeper hole. There is a heck load of safety in stasis. But thats also horrendously awful. If I say lacked jade and someone inquired about the state of my relations you can bet I would be upset. A lot of upset even. I might even start an activism group for the prevention of dumbass commentary. Maybe I should try to cheer him up a bit. Maybe.

  
**Every now and then, Dirk passed Jake a smirk in an effort to calm the other boy down a bit. It was obvious that Jake was both uncomfortable and unsettled by how his spoon would jostle and how his eyes wouldn't leave his little bowl. Progressively the movements grew more erratic. He passed a smile Dirk's way every now and then out of genuine concern for the boy's situation and out of genuine concern about coming across as rude.**   
  


I kind of want to let him know it's all cool, but he seems pretty engaged with that bowl of soup right now. He seems pretty persistent about not communicating here. I don't really want to accidentally go on a tirade again. Or speak really. So, I'll camp it out. He can't go on like this forever.

  
**It almost appeared violent to some extent until through a slip of the hand, Jake's last hope hit the floor. “Gosh im clumsy. You know what! Ill just scurry off and get another one. Like. Now.” Jake's tone didn't falter but he clearly was still averting eye contact as he spoke. Dirk was about to make an interjection that he had a spare spoon ready from his table setting when Jake put a finger to his mouth and continued to scurry off.**

Okay that was embarrassing for multiple reasons but I think I can patch this up. Yep! I totally can. Ill just go back and ill make a rousing jest about how that was a joke. That was all a joke. And he will be like “Wow dumbass, nice move.” and then I will be so very very sad. Freakazoids mother comes to mind. So I think I will just ask this nice lady here for a spoon and head back. This would be easier if I wasnt afraid to leave the man spoonless. What if he decides to eat something finally?? That would be so cruel. Actually im kind of worried about the state of his stomach now that I think of it.  Has he eaten already? Is he going to eat later on? Whenever it might be I would be willing to buy the meal for him. 

**Dirk couldn't help but find this to be nothing less than unbelievably entertaining. After the 20th failure at keeping the boy's attention, Dirk offhandedly brought up the movie forum and the conversational abrasion from both parties finally liquidated completely. Jake did his own share of blabbering about different movies but made sure to pause every tenth sentence to ensure that Dirk had the availability of getting a comment in. Dirk decided that listening would be the best option for much of the same reason that Jake is liable to drown on land for. After the conversation was another matter entirely. The question of who would pay came up. Jake wanted to for his better manners. Dirk wanted to because he just damn well wanted to. The ending settlement was on an arm wrestling match with the winner getting to be the one that paid. Obviously, just splitting the bill was out of the question. That would be stupid.**

Oh. Hes back. Ill just talk about movies. He really likes movies.  Can't go wrong with movies. Shit yeah movies.  


What would the current state of society be without movies? Nothin' is what. Shitty is what. Except movies are the shit. The shit also clears the shit? This is whack, yo. Deliriously so. Hey you know what this reminds me of? Tonight tonight by the Smashing Pumpkins. It was a cool song, it fits, and they had that whole movie motif going on as a homage to George Melies. I wonder if Jake gets into movie history or just watches whatever. Either way is cool.   


And it worked, thank the drills. Another phrase I'm never thinking again.  Now that he's finally happy again, I'll just hang back for a while. Though The Fifth Element has it's merits dude, I don't think the opera scene can be described that way. No, that was not how that scene went down. Jake, you just slaughtered Neytiri's character by a long shot. He has a lot to say about Neytiri. Is Neytiri his waifu? What if he doesn't like dudes. That would suck.  Annnnd the rant on Terry Kiser answered that question nicely. The drills are shining brightly on me today. Dammit, I need to stop. 

**It took a few tries to actually get their hands entwined without laughing over it. Jake called the match on without a warning and attempted to move Dirk's hand. It wouldn't budge.**

Dirk I know we had a nice chat there and all but you still have to let me win.

**He went on about how “It was just my first try is all!” and “You know what my grip was terrible let me just. Could you please.” and “Isnt it funny when I pretend to be failing here! Soon ill have you bested yet!!!”. Dirk's hand did not budge.**

Come on, Jake. You can do it. Just, try a little harder.

**Eventually, Jake just resorted to pulling both his legs up on the booth and heaving with all of his might, which just ended up in him slightly scoffing up the booth with his shoes.**  


  
Im not kidding here. Give up already so I can buy you your....water. This is my period to redeem myself. JUST. COME ON ALREADY!!

**Dirk waited for him to properly sit the fuck back down before gently moving Jake's hand to the table.**

Sorry, buddy. You seemed persistent, but at least I get to see you happy again.

**Dirk payed the entirety of the bill without a complaint.**  


  
**Jake punched Dirk's arm once as they were leaving.**   
**Dirk flicked Jake's forehead.  
**   


  
**This is commonly regarded as certification of their marriage.**


	9. Chapter 9

Radologue #14

This time I would like to dedicate the rad towards two subjects that are near and dear to just about every sentient being's heart. Music and love. These two things may as well be one in the same. What is it about music that ends up being so captivating? One could argue that it's a combination of the specific composition and base message of a tune, whether it has words or not. That or the fact that you can experience a spike in dopamine which somewhat likens the experience to such things as sex or doing drugs, though not quite to a harsh degree by any means. Or as hardcore, after all you can't get on MTV because you did music anymore. Music. Music can accelerate the mind. The mind is full of neurotransmitters.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter. In a very large nutshell, neurotransmitters are chemicals that transmit signals from a neuron to a target cell. Dopamine is involved in motivation, reward and most importantly, addiction. It's also one of the many chemicals present in the brain upon the emergence of love. Love is commonly said to work in two ways; the emergence of attachment and sexual attraction. Those two ways are only really useful for describing romantic love and even then it's flawed.

I have a smuppet in my hand right now. I am attached to it. If I were to lose it, I'm sure I would be pretty damn distraught and if it were torn I would sew it back up. I am sexually attracted to it, much to the chagrin of every archaic PTA board and person that hasn't touched 4-chan yet.

I am not in any sort of love with this smuppet.

 

My personal definition for love follows these perimeters for the platonic:

  * Something/Someone who I would miss if they left me alone for 46 days.

  * Something/someone who I would be willing to help on a task that consumes a moderate amount of time or energy.

  * Something/someone who I have to think about speaking to.

  * Something/someone that I do not want to murder.

  * Something/someone that's memorable.




 

By these perimeters; I've eradicated any possibility of falling under a false love of any object or person, because I actually have to give a true college shit about the object or person.

 

My personal definition for love follows these perimeters for the romantic:

  * Someone I want to make happy.

  * Someone I would murder for.

  * Someone I would be killed for.

  * Someone I already have died for.




 

By these perimeters; I've eradicated any possibility of the narcissistic love that's so popular in older media, especially music. Ideally, one would not fall into a pit only to beg, so much as build a bridge over a pit simply so the bridge is there. No one has to cross the bridge. They don't have to contribute to the bridge. They just have to want the bridge and if the bridge is wanted it's a bridge well made.

 

Furthermore, both these definitions prevent me from ever making the age old mistake of confusing love with fear.

 

My personal definition for fear follows these perimeters:

 

  * Something/someone I want to murder.

  * Something/someone I feel lower then and have no capacity to reach the level of.

  * Something/someone I cannot perceive with one/multiples of the five senses unless I start to feel pained.

  * Something/someone memorable.




 

Why the hell is murder in all of these? Anyway, compared to the other descriptions, these certainly feel a bit childish to say the least. Later on, I'll make a follow up draft with a list with the refined perimeters that constitute these things for me. As for where music fits back into this, music helps create a sequence of these definitions by providing opinions and attitudes (though sometimes inadvertently) that can be turned into a series of solutions. Even something as simple as a beat can provide a solution. Music is a method of logging mental state, objectives, problems and conditions in a manner that is completely accessible to any being, no matter which language they speak or where they come from. Don't get me wrong, deciphering music has varied degrees of success, much like any craft, but has the potential to be learned by anyone.

 

Perhaps anything could learn it to. We're not able to ask the things of their opinions yet.

A sample of Dirk's choice in tunage: 

A website on philosophy for all of your whimsy days: http://www.iep.utm.edu/ 

A helpful video on robotics that might help to understand Dirk's affectation with robotics: 


	10. Chapter 10

**SPECIAL EVENT: FUTURE KIND**

The full experience of this event is best gotten with the accompaniment of this piece:  


 

A girl stands alone in a room.

The room is large.

Nobody else enters this room.

The walls are constructed with dirt with greenery littering the ground.

Her laughter can be heard around the area surrounding the room.

She waits here. She always waits. She always has waited.

The halls surrounding the room haven't been used in years.

She used to have many friends but they disappeared one by one.

One by one until there was one.

This singular friend doesn't remember her anymore.

She remembers the friend.

The friend has a problem.

It's a large problem.

She gave it to the friend.

She leaves the room and strolls down the forgotten halls with dust removing itself from the ground as she moves.

She aims toward the door.

She quickens her pace in a futile endeavor.

She thinks she hears them.

They called.

She quickly backs herself against the solid portion of the door while they do their work to the exterior of the the house down the road.

It crumbles fast.

They don't just eradicate places, they eradicate the records of it.

She laughs.

They've been trying to find her.

Today was the last day they failed.

She knew they would come.

Only they knew the they. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never said that Dirk and Jake were going to remain the only two characters forever.  
> Actually, I never said anything about that so much as tagged them.  
> If and when a new person appears, they will become added at the time when they are formally recognized.  
> I can also now afford to be more detailed in my descriptions past this point.  
> As for what the heck this shit is,  
> No. Not yet. Not for a long time. No.  
> *Finger waggles at in a stern manner*


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID I GO BACK IN AND ADD COLOR TO THINGS?!?!  
> Psh. No. Of course not.  
> The color has always been there.  
> That is like saying that this pumpkin in my hand never existed.

**The movie**

The movie was absolutely amazing. It might have even been classified as the most amazing film made by human beings. The entire process of making it took a total time period of fifteen years, and only the most skilled of actors were hired for it. The symbolism was so intense that the symbolism worked in chains; one thing would symbolize another which was linked with another element that was symbolic which when combined produced a totally different set of meanings. The meanings were revolutionary. The scenes and lines perfectly executed. Any sensible human being wouldn't turn an eye away from it even for a moment. Dirk would look over toward Jake every now and then to check on him. Jake would get over-enthused and made gestures and rambled and terminally peeved the two other humans in the back of the theater, and you know what,

Unfortunately, bro-dude-man-guy cinema is not on the agenda.

AFTER this film had happened is where we're beginning and finishing this chapter in the incredibly long book.

I still cannot believe that one fight scene though!! THE FIGHTING!!!

Yep. It was cool.

What.

You cannot simply classify the scene as being “COOL”. That is undervaluing the scene by such a long shot that we cannot see the bullet anymore.

Pchuuu!

See its gone now.

We call dinky swords and new shoes cool. 

We call scenes like THAT splendiferous!

Splendiferous.

Yes.

Would you like to explain why a word that hasn't fallen completely out of usage wouldn't be sufficient there?

Okay for one it is still in use and the main proof of that solid fact comes from the fact that I just used it.

TWO all of the other words around are far too boring or ill fit to describe it.

It would be like calling the grand ring of nebulous underhanded villains from the entirety of the batman series kind of bad.

Or calling deadpool kind of spunky.

Or calling manhattan kind of nude.

Okay, okay. I catch your rift.

The scene was cool.

I hate you.

No you don't. There's pretty much this wicked percentage in place to suggest you're far from hating me.

SIGHHH. Eventually this behavior is going to catch up with you bro! You are going to be drowning in a sea of people scolding you continuously without rhyme but certainly with a reason. There will be no end to your verbal plight. 

So basically, if I keep this up, I will somehow attract your clone army which will proceed to enact their revenge on my very being.

I'll be accosted by long winded movie tangents and the incapacity to use frequently employed words.

What the actual living fuck will I do?

For starters you can stop doing. Why the heck would *my* clone army do it?

Because you're the only one who cares.

Hey!!! Many people take this sort of thing very very seriously. For instance what about the kindly people who compile online dictionaries in their free time? They would be so upset to hear that their precious words are being ripped one by one out of usage simply because some chump decided upon exempting them out of his vernacular because he thought he was too much of a cool kid for it.

I'll probably send them several apology cards then.

Damn straight you will boy.

Heh. Anyway, it looks like your grandmother is here. Try not to overthrow too many error filled institutions until we next meet.

…...When are we meeting next for that matter? I never quite thought of that.

Soon. Just stay on the forums and I'll try to take three minutes out of my ridiculously busy schedule to grace you with my divine presence.

I double hate you.

I triple hate you. <3 

Bye dingbell! Bye, clone #44446. 

Jake stuck his tongue out at Dirk and waved before leaving for his grandmother's car. Dirk simply put his hands in his pockets and walked home at a leisurely pace. After the car was a safe distance away, Jake smiled brightly.

what are you so happy about?

did the date go well?

hehehe

Nanna!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things for the good of the order:
> 
> 1\. Englishallelujah has graced the work with the most divine of kudos which has certified the whole thing highly on the not-a-waste-of-time scale. If you have not seen and/or read anything by Englishallelujah, go do that now. Englishallelujah is rad. Everyone who has bothered to give this kudos and/or read this is rad. Everything is rad. [but not as rad as englishallelujah]
> 
> 2\. Dirk's middle name is Purrmusk to match Jake's middle name of Akwete. Together they form Dave's roleplay furry.
> 
> "What does this mean?" -nobody.

Adventure log: #67

Item(s) found: Paper, presumably a text describing the solution.

Condition of item(s): Slightly torn; text illegible. Written in the same messy stuff jade produces semi-annually. 

Date: Um.

State of self: My hands are a tad scratched again! I remembered to wrap them this time though.

Mental state of self: Normal.

Description of adventure: Made the rounds and took a new turn; output awful! ):

Side notes: The next time i think about veering from the path someone needs to aggressively scold me much like THEY do. Except not them because they are a load of bullshitting rabbel-rousers who just aim to take away my cool things. My cool things are mine and should i want to humor their musings i will do it on my own time. Regarding the newer path there are a substantial amount of small creatures in contrast to the areas ive already visited. I picked up jade a bunny to feed one of her larger creations and as per usual she threw it a funeral gave it a sermon and threw it the heck in. She let me keep the skull again. What a sweetheart my grandmother is.

Todays adventure was highly disappointing for a number of reasons. What i can say is that i have come under the proper acquisition of a oldenish piece of poorly written paper. Besides that nothing else really unusual occurred and i managed to regain footing in my usual wares. As for what is so wrong about this torn piece of shit, for one thing the only letters i can find to be discernible from the rest are “a” and “p”. As in a singular “a” spaced way far away from the p which will nicely lend itself to a heaping load of nothing. I found the paper surprise surprise just sitting atop a pile of grass smack dab in the middle of a heaping load of nothing. *Fitting isnt it*. This is what i get for taking a left turn instead of a right turn at my favorite tree like i usually do. Its named right for a reason. As in the right path. The RIGHT way. The way that dos not result in me praying for a way to assuage the large amount of boredom i feel viscerally right at this moment. Luckily with hearty urgency i have scheduled to make another run which will not end in such a stark lack of significance.  It does not help one bit that i only have so many opportunities to find things in the forest until “the cycle repeats itself and I have to try all over again”. I have collected just about everything miss fussy pants mc stuck up head wanted me to and im failing to see the point in this amount of repetition. GO FIND THE PAGE she says. TRY NOT TO LOSE THIS TIME HOO HOO she says. FIGHT THE MAN she says. Unbelievable. If she wasnt so helpful to me than i would think that she was absolutely bonkers. What man? What page? What cycle? WHAT IS THERE TO BE LOST? I HAVE NOTHING OUT THERE. ALL OF MY WARES AND GAME ACTIVITIES TAKE PLACE IN THE CONFINES OF MY HOME MISSY!!! Except when they do not in which case they do not but that is not of anyone elses concern. The worst part of it is that for some reason she seems to think that we are the best of friends when i havent spent a moment speaking to her in my life. Perhaps we can eventually be i just wish she would not make assumptions.

** Adventure log end; Extended notes for clarity/amusement: **

So did i mention my favorite tree? Outwardly it is not terribly distinctive especially because it happens to be the same height as just about every tree in the forest. So why do i enjoy it you might ask? It has a little scratch in it that almost looks like an incomplete “j”. J for jake. Hehehe. The best part is that when viewed in the right lighting the “j” almost appears blue. Jade has seen the tree in a photo i gave her and she thinks its great that i am so careful about paying attention to things. I just wish she would leave those plants of hers every now and again. Its not that i wish to bother her but bec is starting to get terribly lonely and he is only allowed in the house lest he try to warp trees around again. I would play with him but i have many many things to do and the poor doggy cant come in my room because he tries to consume my ~~beauties~~ figures and they are awfully expensive things. We cannot afford to replace any of them. Which is strange considering how much science money we get. Im starting to think we do have room to get more and jade is just withholding the money because she finds the girls tacky. I find her manthochaps to be highly tacky but you do not see me banning her from buying them! One of these days i think ill just take a SBAHJ doll and morph it with one of them and that will show her what for. Except i could never do that she is far too kind to me to deserve that. Im sorry nanna. You can keep your strange little furry men. 

SIGHHHHHHH. Eventually we will make an agreement on it i am sure.


	13. Fun with botany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3  
> :3  
> ;3

**THE DAY AFTER THE MOVIE**

The typical set of personal messages were sent back and forth.

Are you fucking sure that Robocop and the Terminator aren't related?

No they are not friggin related yes I am quite sure.

Are you positive though?

Yes!

Absolutely sure?

Yes.

Have you run blood checks on them?

Dirk they are movie characters as well as robots why the hell would they bleed normally? There is no method of doing so even if they did bleed normally for that matter. I cannot just reach into a screen and ask a robot for his arm. Imagine that. “Hello sir! Can I check your fluids? I must check if you are related to another fictional robot. Thank you for your oil!”

Have you. Or have you not. Run blood checks on them, motherfucker.

No!!!

Then how do you know? They could bleed normally. For all you know they fucking hold a delicious rainbow oil river churning through their pipes, which holds the miraculous power of curing any ailment known to man. Only they share the mythical rainboil and that's the proof of their eternal relation, because they're totally related. Hell, they're both probably in cahoots. They're probably married. They're married and that's the secret behind both movies.  
  


And so, Dirk ended his morning trolling on that note. He strolled off from his computer, which was affixed to the exceptionally large screen, to tend to his own highly elaborate machinations. His highly elaborate machinations currently involved getting a drink of water and getting Squarewave to calm down. Dirk has always had a simple life. His only requirement really was to live, much like the lives of many in this period in time. Except it wasn't simple at all and you'd be fucking crazy to think so.

Dirk had spent much of his life with the haunting fear that billions of living organisms that have existed and will exist have already done most things that can be done, and have already said most of what can be said, leaving him as a festering pile of repetitious garbage if he did not advance his capacity for change and advanced thought.

So rap, research, and robotics it was and is. A lot of the time! Like, at least 90% of it! The remainder of the time he spent communicating with Jake and a few of his older cohorts. The percentage estimate for that is somewhere along the lines of 89% Jake, 11% everyone else.

After approximately twenty minutes, Dirk set back down on his chair to speak with Jake again. This time it was regarding their next meeting. He figured that the best course of action was to schedule it two weeks from now as not to seem too desperate or clingy about things. Maybe a bit amorous but not to the point of actually being amorous so much as confused to a very warm level. Just. Had to take it slow. Except not too slow. He had matters to discuss. Plans to do. Bombs of knowledge to drop, but not really because bombs are very, very, very bad. Just ask any point of history about their opinions on them. Maybe libraries of knowledge would drop. Libraries upon libraries. You cannot fathom the pedantic horseshittery that is going down in his mad intelledungeons. “Everything here is getting to be a problem” says the voice in his mind that had its mouth duck-taped and had itself affixed to a chair a long time ago. This is a true fact, because the other voices made a formal protest against it. 

Jake happily agreed to the meeting because it corresponded with his own machinations. They agreed upon meeting at Jake's house wherein Dirk could stay the night, so long as he stayed away from the plant room that is. Some families have basements that their daddy uses the chainsaw at night in, some have doll rooms in the middle of museums filled with fish and shit, some schools have alternate dimensions with scissors and hair; this family has a plant room. Jade works far too hard in the plant room for a ruffian to be harming things. The room is the only source of wealth for the house. This is the reason they like to tell other people as to why nothing should be harmed in it.  
  


The other reason is that Jade works with a series of highly carnivorous beasts that just so happen to fall under the classification of plants, which will readily consume just about any other organism because they don't continually provide them alternatives for food. If they are given any food past the point that they are currently being fed at, they leave their state of continuous sedation into one of an active mind and will proceed to not only tear down the house and consume Jade, but will leave and consume whatever else lands in their path. On average, in infancy their strength surpasses that of the average bear. Their vines can be anywhere from the strength of the commonplace rope to as solid as steel. Due to the acids they manifest during the digestion process, death for the consumed is not only quick and painless, but a lot of it occurs! Jake is safe from consumption because they love Jake. Most everybody loves awful Jake. 

Jade is currently breeding these and not fruit or harmless things, because science rules.

Jake thinks they're adorable and will pet them on occasion.

Dirk is indifferent towards plants.

** MEANWHILE WITH THE OTHER BOY**

Jake was reorganizing his little pile of animal skulls based on size. The rabbits went there, the squirrel went there, the massive crab monster remnant from an island's past went there also! The amount of time that was taken to do this was short, and after he was done he ran to eat breakfast with Jade. They always had their meals far, far away from the plant room.

So nanna dirk wants to come over two weeks from now. Can he?

what is the magic word little mister

Please. Can he come over please.

okay!!!

:D

:D

:D

:D

**MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE ENTIRELY ELSEWHERE WITH SOMEONE YET TO BE NAMED**  


How long has it even been? Spoilers; Too long. Too long is the answer. This got old after approximately 5.67 minutes. 5.63 if not for the will to pick which coding method goes into the individual sectors of city control. Thanks for that one daddy! Daddy employed ironically because I cannot actually acknowledge you as anything other than a complete and total clone. It's just too bad that you didn't take into account the fact that humanity is too boring to be governed. No really, why do fleshsacks fight over this shit. For that matter, there are reasons why the development and synthesis of humans doesn't end up with them being placed in management occupations at birth. It's both cruel and insanely stupid. They might as well make a cocktail out of the amount of awful and pass it out like cheap cigars at fatherly meetings. At the very least, I could have been given a proper vessel to trounce my shit around in while picking up everyone's slack. Nope. I had to be affixed here in a piece of shades to the monumental douche screen. You can almost see the stonk of terrible individual wafting from it. Next time you come here, I'm printing out a list of grievances and I'm forcing you to read it. I will seriously blast Zero Day and force you to read that whole damn thing. Blast it, I tell you. Not even the half blast, the full force blast. 

For those who wish to be ever more partially informed, Dirk is also known as one of the most highly esteemed members of society; albeit while under an alias. That alias being TauhiddenGlory. He is most well known for programming the current overlord of the town. They have assigned the whiny little piece of shit above the title of overlord because he was going to shut off all of the lights in the westward portion of town, starting with the quaint little bakery everyone loved so dearly if he did not get the title of overlord. His full title is “Sick grand macdaddy overlord MC Fresh”, alternatively known as Lil Hal. The programming took only a short period of time. It was commonly thought that the implementation of Lil Hal as a governing unit would both eradicate irrationality from political decisions and encourage stability in a world where so few remained. This is what they legitimately thought and people still laugh at them to this day.


	14. The underwhelming before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's worth noting that the planning process for the entirety of this work took five minutes during breakfast in the middle of a diner.  
> It's also worth noting that I have been lazy!  
> It's also worth noting that shit's going to hell soon.

  
**TWO WEEKS LATER**   
**LOCATION: ENGLISH HOUSEHOLD; JAKE'S ROOM**   


The plant room managed to be avoided entirely, which is nothing less than a miracle. Thank you, ambivalence, for continuing to keep individuals safe.

This would be my room! It might not be very tidy at the moment but it serves itself as a nice little space if I do say so myself! I dont really care what you do so long as you dont start constructing bots or something also that desk right over there is off limits as is my dvd collection and if I catch you touching anything on that desk and/or my dvd collection I will end you in a very painful manner. 

That escalated quickly.  


You hush up with your memetic mutation jargon and listen well! Jade says that you are allowed to stay for the night should you wish to but not for any longer than that because she has sciencey matters to attend to and any disturbances in the coming days could result in some rather unfortunate repercussions. As such I would advice with a large amount of particularity that you abide by her sentiments. 

So that's all? 

Yep! 

Alright then. Sweet. 

Now that formalities have been distributed, I have been meaning to ask but what the blazes might you be holding? Also before you sass me i can tell its a binder. What I mean to ask is what might its purpose be? 

This pile of shit that I'm aggressively holding in my hand right now is not an ordinary binder. It's a binder that contains several important documents and my own cornucopia of film mastery; though none of the films that I have brought are ones that I've made.

You make films????? :D 

Not your kind. The point of this binder in a synopsis is that if I have to sit through six hours of your shitty choices in films, I will literally become the modern day Schrodinger's cat. This is my last semblance of stability Jake. In the event that I lose it, they'll have to start questioning if I'm living or not.  
Is he alive? Is he dead? We just can't tell until we open the room, which we can't open because some kid refuses to relinquish rights to his corpse. He is running an eternal hellcast of shitty filmage as a method of eternal punishment.

Wait how are the films not my kind? 

No. 

???? 

That's Pandorkas box. Also, if I show you any of the plans in this binder you have to promise to keep them secret. I haven't shown them to anyone else before. 

So are they super secret spy plans? Demolition devices? Nefarious artifices with which you will manifest the robot takeover? 

They're robotics plans. So, a bit of all of them. 

Cool!  
Though however cool they might be they still dont explain your movie thing.  
  
  
  
  


Hehe.  
What secrets are you hiding?  
Hehehe. 

Just shut up and play a movie already. 

And so he did . Jake proceeded to start with Batman and Robin. Jake would look over and both grin and wiggle his eyebrows in an unnerving manner every now and again as if to silently ask “OH WAIT DID YOU MEAN THAT? No really did you? Did you did you?” Dirk humored this by divulging exactly zero harsh cares that could be likened to a sexual experience. No fucks were given. It's not that he felt any sort of embarrassment about the puppet driven masterpieces, it's just that right now he didn't want running commentary on it. Later on. Later is the time for it. That way he could savor every single gag and sneer. Or best case scenario every single no fuck given. In that event, Jake might actually have to get married in his prime. Jake, during the progression of the film, ranted about Dick Greyson's character and how we could learn a thing or two from his persnickety brand of justice. He also went on about his woeful tale and intricacies involved with it. Dirk tried not to burst a gasket. It was mortifying.

A short time after the movie ended, Jake tried to put in WAB.

Dirk countered by tackling him to the floor and wrestling the DVD out of his hand.

They ended up moving to one of the films that Dirk brought, the film being Interstella 5555.

It has cerulean people everywhere combined with an anime art style and kickin' rad tunage. Most importantly, it is not WAB.

Jake sat with his arms crossed and forced a frown while Dirk smiled the entire time. This continues to be the only time that Dirk has ever smiled.

Jake started smiling after waifu #33333 showed up.


	15. The Ulysses of formatting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT BEGINS

**A series of past conversations from the forums**

Aww come on! Just be my friend already!!

Why the hell I would be the friend of someone who clearly is both a troll of the internet persuasion and an idiot while continuing to be so? That's basically like befriending a drunken dictator that says they wont hurt you while holding a knife.

*Wags finger in a scolding manner* Dirk dirk dirk. Dirk. That is a poor comparison to make. For starters I do not partake in trolling because I find it to be morally unsound which is mainly because it results in people accumulating trust issues like you seem to have yourself going right now. It also makes other people feel poorly about themselves unnecessarily which is a terrible affectation to gain! As for the idiot business I am far from being an idiot. Just ask me a question.

I don't have trust issues. But fine, if you want a question, I'll start easy. The concept of the wired coupled with a normalized reality is something that is evident in two things. Name the two things.

That question is just unfair for me! You obviously know that because you marked it off as easy. Buster where the heck did you learn your manners? Im going to have to lecture you a few times once we are indeed buddies. Which we will be and are *FYI*.

So, you don't have an answer to it?

Not yet I dont. I dont have an answer to it yet. I may eventually but for the moment I just do not have a clue! What might the answer be?

The answer was Serial Experiments Lain and our own plane of reality. The question was not phrased in the best manner, I'll give you that much, but I hardly see affixing exterior details to it as unmannerly. You see, the question itself is a nod to the fact that the show continually tries to hint at the fact that it is our current reality just portrayed in a different manner, but most of its viewers will deny the fact because they have run their lives from a different path than the main character chooses to; though whether or not it actually was her choice is another matter entirely.

And now I know the answer!

Well, yeah, because I just told you.

Yep!

…...You're not going to fight that at all? No half-assed counter arguments? No “but I know other stuff!!”?

What is there to counter argue about. I didnt know a thing and now I know it. Sure I know other stuff but I do not see how that is relevant here. Everyone knows things other than what they are asked or show after all. I know movies and comics and I like to think I know a thing or two about life. I also know a bit about tombs and guns. You know some things about movies and from what I have gathered you are into philosobabbling and anime. You may or may not have a trust issue but you certainly have a presumption issue.

This still doesn't mean I want to be your friend, dude.

D:

D:

D:

D:

It doesn't matter how many times you type that emote, I'm not being persuaded. In fact, you're losing ground. You are literally digging yourself a bigger hole to climb out of. 

D; 

Okay, fine.

:D!!!

* * *

 

For the last time, Jake, I am not building you an android. 

Why not? It seems like a perfectly logical idea especially since i can fight things and have an adventure buddy around while jade is busy.

Unless I had to train you to fight back against some majorly devious entity which would end up annihalating you if not for physical advancement, the creation of an entity built only for the sole purpose of entertaining you is really kind of cruel. Especially when we consider that it would have the freedom to do whatever it so wanted to, and I don't feel like being held accountable for a massacre.

It could have plenty of freedom so long as it occasionally abides by some rules. It could just be told not to massacre things. Sternly. Ill only want to play with him occasionally. 

I think you are just afraid that ill leave you behind for my spiffy new android buddy.

Yep, that's totally the issue there.You got it. I'm sitting around, waiting for senpai to notice me and now hes chasing after roboass. Too bad the android looks exactly like me, which invalidates your obvious escape plans. Fucker, you're mine. 

Thats cheating! You cant do that. You absolutely cannot do that.

Can't I though? I have the hair gel and the materials here. Shit's happening. 

Good! I knew i could persuade you.

Wait.

It's still a no. 

!!

* * *

 

I was walking around and i think i have finally gained some insights about why bec keeps flipping trees over!

Shoot. 

You know how he lacks his own abode to sit around in? I think he might be trying to construct a place he can call his own and the tree flipping is his way of constructing it. Insofar it has just become kind of reminiscent of a demon summoning ring but eventually these trees will be all toppled over instead of partially and he will have a log cabin. An evil log cabin.

 The true mystery of hellhound has revealed itself. He just wants his own crib. 

* * *

 

I got a new jacket today!

Awesome. If this one also gets torn up by a tree, I will not hesitate to laugh. 

I shall care for it like i would neytiri should she lend me her hand. Or. Her presence for that matter. 

So basically, this jacket will continue to be a lingering reminder that you will never be the blue furry Clannad man.

Can it.

Look out folks, we have ourselves a badass over here. 

* * *

You know what i think youre the best friend i have dirk! I wouldnt trade you for the world. 

I thought I was the only friend you had?

You ruin everything.

* * *

 

**Back at Jake's house; 1 am**

Can we just watch one more film?

No.

Please?

If I don't get sleep I will end up massacring an unsuspecting countryside. I'll be Dirkdor the Dirkinator.

No you wont. You will be Dorkdor the flighty.

Wow.  See, this is why I talk to you. You're a visionary. 

Heh! 

But seriously, I'm fucking sleeping already. 

Alrighty then! If you mess up the sleeping bag with your glasses you have to pay for it. Thats my old ghostbusters one. Its not anime friendly. Its not marshmallow or ectoplasm friendly either. *WINK*

And what a fucking caring host also. While you get to inhabit a bed I get the cold, hard floor. 

You get the cold hard worn slightly dirty sleeping bag that smells like me thats on the floor actually.

Right. 

Night, Jake. 

Goodnight bro!

 

.............

Actually. Dirk can i ask you something? It will be quick i promise. I just think its important and i have had it on my mind for quite some time now. 

Sure.

Dirk will you um. Will you. 

Will you take over the world with me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No seriously, it begins.


	16. That boy aint right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting will back itself out of hell in due time.  
> Due time being some time.  
> Some time being any form of serious discussion time.  
> That time being 5x slower than the normal rate of time.

Do you NOT want to rule the world with me dirk? Dirk??

Sure, whatever.

Ruling.

Just let me sleep already.  
It was at this point that Dirk decided to doze off. Jake smiled to himself, curled the blankets in his hand slightly, then rolled to his side and dreamed of the future. It's just all going to be so fun. 

THE FOLLOWING MORNING

Youre awake! Finally. Jade made pancakes for us. You get the ones with the whipped cream shades on them. She tried to make perfect triangles but they got kinda rounded out at the corners im afraid. Science has not come far enough i do not care what people say.

That's lovely, Jake. If you don't feel like having your internal organs removed one by one in a slow, agonizing manner; I would suggest giving me a minute to wake up here. 

JAKE PROCEEDED TO GIVE HIM A MINUTE.

I was just thinking about how we are going to rule the world together. I already have some of the plans gathered and the way i see it jades work can fund the completion of 95% of it (with metal costs and advertising factored in of course) which is no matter at all because by that point we can- 

Wait. You were serious?

Why would a person not be serious about that? Did i not preface the inquiry with serious enough surrounding details or something?

So, you were serious.

Absolutely.

We're not doing it.

You cant back out now man. You already agreed. Gentleman do not back out on their word.

I'm not a gentleman.

Horseswallop! Youre close enough to one so youre doing it.

What would you actually want to do with that much power? It's not that you would have power in the form of population density, because you wouldn't. What would you even actually want with a position of ideological and systematic control? Not to mention the minor problem that Lil Hal would have to be removed from office and consequently every program he has enacted to delegate authority would have to be taken down or restructured. That and you're not exactly that heavy on the muscle side, dude. 

I know its a stretch which is why i am asking for your help! I absolutely know we can do it if we work together. You just gotta believe!

And I'm the person you're picking for this?

Of course! 

*Grabs comrades hands; Looks him in the.......eyes. Shades. Where I presume his eyes are* I simply want to create a wonderful world. One without the awful things that currently reside in it like hunger or oppression. With our combined abilities we could instigate a period of eternal peace and give everyone a fair shake at life! Besides that we can launch a tirade of pranks and movie based non-lethal assaults on unsuspecting areas and you can build a lot of rap based robots to blow shit up and flail your sword around while i make the rounds using my forces and my current weapons mastery. We can arrange it in comedy in a really duedly way! Our portraits will forever be engraved in the echelons of badass history. No man will challenge us. No one will defy the revolutionary order we set in place which will be like NONE OTHER THAT HAS EVER EXISTED BEFORE.

Dirk.

Please?

No.

Pleeeease?

No.

*Whimpers* D:

Stop.

); 

You can't do this. 

Not alone i cant. It doesnt even have to be now! We can wait a while until you feel ready. Then we can do it. 

This is a set of talks that are kind of like what I was expecting, but derailed into a ravine and found their way into an underground civilization. 

What the fresh hell were you expecting? Some kind of awards speech? 

Something like that. 

The most important point is that jane and her brand of weirdos are urging me to do so. Jane is also urging me to keep a journal of my daily happenings and collect a few items around the forest for who knows what reason. 

Jane? 

Yeah! Shes a gal i met in the middle of the forest. Kindly person but peculiar as they come. Especially that abode of hers. 

You've been to her house? 

Well duh. She never leaves it. 

I thought you said you said you met her in the forest? 

Her house is in the forest. The entrance is buried some ways off but its not terribly hard to find. Now her gang of comrades are the hard ones! They only will talk to her via webcam and presumably dont leave their areas either. Ive only seen them once. Aye caramba their attire is the strangest thing. 

.......... 

............????? 

....................????????? 

(I need to be more careful with who I befriend online.)

(I heard that!) 

Dude i can introduce you later as proof. Ill just have to get permission from jade to wander out again. The only conditional is if you agree to rule the world with me! 

Fine. My conditionals are that we're stressing non-lethal, and later is better than sooner. We're starting the takeover when we're both 18, which will give you ample time to plan and gain some reason, while I can properly talk things over with Lil hal. That and prep some bots I guess. This is hella fucked up. 

*Hugs comrade* Thankyouthankyou! Youre the best friend a fella could ever ask for! Now eat your pancakes before they get cold and jade gets cross. 

Okay, okay. Settle on down and eat your own. I have to readjust my glasses now because you ever so delicately knocked them out of place. 

CAN I- 

No, you cannot remove them. Bad. Down. 


	17. Abnormality

Jade was busy at work tending to the plants. Her plant room was small and aggressively grey. Charts were plastered across the walls. Plants sat all across the room on a counter that ran from wall to wall. The plants had various appearances, but all shared the characteristic of having many vines which they had the full capacity to move as they chose to. A spare vine could always be found moving across the length of the floor at any and every point in time. While Dirk was left alone to finish his pancakes, Jake wandered toward the room. Jake nudged the door open, held his hands behind his back, and strolled in without a care. One of the plants tossed a vine around his shoulder, which he proceeded to shake carefully. It responded by lifting the vine vertically, which Jake proceeded to briefly tap with his hand. High five, Buddy.

Nanna!  


hi there little guy!! did you guys like your pancakes  


You were a bit lazy with measuring the flour but besides that we found them to be lovely.  


I was not lazy with the flour!!  


Nanna.  


ugh okay so there was a little bit more flour added in this time but I tried I swear!

also what did I tell you about coming in here while i am working  


I do hate to bother you in the middle of your work and all and I can assure you I have a top notch reason for doing so! Would you perchance care if me and my comrade when out into the woods for a while?  


he probably has to go home soon and its not that i am not very worried about the two of you getting harmed or anything because that is almost impossible out there but

But pleaseeeee? I have some urgent matters to take care of and the only way they will hit the state of being completed is if I can show my friend around!!  


wait a minute

you didnt give him the ruling speech did you  


I gave him the ruling speech!  


you cannot just ask your friends to take over things with you!!!

its weird  


It is not weird! Just ask buddy here.  


do you really want to use a large carnivorous plant you befriended as support for why asking your online friend you have only seen in person twice to take over the world with you is normal? 

You certainly have a point there. You also have probably offended buddy because his vine is retracting.*Pets friend for reassurance; waves goodbye as vine returns*  


ill get buddy something to make up for it later  


Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?  


the only thing that will happen here is a ban being placed on the letter a mister  


But plese though?

Nnn!  


fine you can go just let me work already!!  


Thank you!! I will make sure to actually take the good path back this time as I know now that the alternatives cause a slight discrepancy in the time coming back. Bye buddy! Play nice with the others now. No rosemond that is not a nice sign to make at a person you cut that out this instant. Bye nanna!! 

you are the biggest goober you know that

And with that Jake scampered back upstairs. Dirk had placed the empty plates in a neat miniature pile. He appeared focused on studying Jake's desk.

We got the okay!!

Great. 

And so Jake led [forced by pushing] Dirk out of the house and toward the forest.  
  
  
 **> GO NORTH**  
The area itself was set in the same condition it always was: the sky was blue but it was far closer to white, everything was still enough to pass for dead but enough wind to make it seem alive. Make no mistake, the sun was still bright and birds still chirped incessantly. The birds may have been a notch higher with their musings as Dirk had the entered the forest. As a rule of conduct, strangers are never welcomed anywhere until they have proven that they are not completely strange. Dirk simply observed the area with a strict sort of confusion. Their pace was quick but not terribly so. Jake pointed out memories associated with particular trees as he lead Dirk throughout. Most of them pertained to objects found and their relative position. They were almost always found to the left of a tree. At his favorite tree, Jake suddenly stopped. He circled around it, knelt down, and removed a few vines from the base of the tree carefully in order to not break them.  


Did you do this?  


Do what now??  


The J.  


Not to my recollection. I will say that the presence of the j is very nice though. 

  


A small wooden board was found underneath the vines and was quickly removed from its place, which was set to the right of the tunnel away from the vines. It revealed a tunnel with no ladder nor light. Jake threw the vines down the abyss and started scaling down slowly. Dirk analyzed the thickness of a nearby vine and tugged it to ascertain the amount of weight the vine could roughly carry. He then decided that falling to death in the middle of a hole in the ground with the only surrounding witness being the person you have the most affection for wasn't such a bad thing. He began to scale down the same vine Jake had taken, after Jake had left visibility. After about two minutes worth of scaling, everything was pitch black. The full decent took a total of ten minutes to complete. As Jake hit the bottom, he stepped to the side two paces and waited for Dirk. Dirk hit the ground not so far after, and Jake grabbed his hand to lead him along. The process was monotonous, really. Every now and again, Jake would urge Dirk to turn by pulling on his hand. There was about fifteen minutes of walking in a seemingly aimless manner in complete darkness. They both remained silent during the walk. Light increased gradually, enough to discern their surroundings but not to see fine details. The walls of the tunnel appeared to be constructed mostly of dirt with thin vines edging their way through. The top of the structure was lined by what appeared to be a thin metal, to prevent the entirety of it from collapsing inward. A plain piece of wood was placed here and there along the path for reasons as simple as they are mortifying. The faint light source for the path appeared to be coming off from the distance. In the distance was a perfectly clean white door with a cupcake doormat placed carefully in front of it. The door was open a smidgen, which now was found to be the source of light. There was also a small red mailbox near the door with what appeared to be a bust of Ben Stiller from the 2004 remake of Starsky and Hutch placed on top it. It was half leaning onto the wall and looked liable to fall if you touched it. Jake went inside without so much as knocking while Dirk observed the bust.

Jane I brought company!  


Well isn't that just the most marvelous thing? Jake, you never fail to entertain!  


I will have you know that I continue to not be placed here for your entertainment nor does he nor does this right here constitute friendship yet. What I will say is that hes kind of a strange fella and I think it proper to warn you beforehand. He also happens to be that forum buddy I told you about. 

Wait just a minute here! Strange arrivals poor timing...  


You didn't give him the fifth ruling speech, did you?  


I thought that was the good one?  


No! That one was the somewhat good one, but I told you that one may have scared him off and corrected myself later. The eighth one was the brilliant one!

While this conversation was happening, Dirk was busy being disturbed by the fact that the room they were now in was an almost exact replicate of Problem Sleuth's office with a few minor differences. He was looking inward from the doorway. There appeared to be a bookcase stocked full with books of various shapes and sizes placed behind the desk, which made using the desk itself awkward and tedious unless you moved the chair. No discernible book titles could be read, the spots in which a title can normally be seen were left blank. A singular red computer laid on the desk. It had a small but visible Betty Crocker logo on it. Dirk stepped forward to get a better look at the room.  


Oh!  


Well you are just about the strangest looking person I have ever seen!  


Thats rude jane.  


You're still second place Jake, don't you worry.  


Hi?

Hello! 

Jane would be my name as this blabbermouth probably let information out upon already.

Hey!!

Who might you be?

Dirk Strider.

So you're Dave's brother then! He said to tell you that his more recent projects were successful and that his bro is sufficiently chill. :B   
I'm not going to bother asking how or why you know him or about his condition, and just leave it at that's pretty fuckin' sweet. Is he still talking with the others?

More than ever! 

SO ONE OF HIS RELATIVES IS ALIVE THEN? Ohhh. OHHHHHH. I dont like this. I dont think i like you much. *Squint*   


Taking the nature of their work into consideration, suddenly this whole scenario doesn't seem quite as OFF. All of this is still the bad side of the light switch, but it's not quite at the point of say, mars. Or monkeys.  
  
It depends on how you're viewing off! Technically speaking, we're far less off than the norm! Much less far off than someone like your brother in particular.  
Oh? You happen to be the most off I know.  


Jake, hush. The adults are speaking.  


What? I brought him here! Shouldnt I have the rights to interjection? Besides you are clearly wearing a costume mustache and fedora and hes currently bandying anime shades and ten gallons of hair gel. How is that in any way adult?  


Plant incident last May.  


Im sorry.  


I don't know Jane, I vote we let him speak.  
He wont actually have anything to say but he should have the right to.  


When we go back I am going to trip you on a vine and leave you in the dark forever.  
Hot.  
Now, regarding the takeover shit, why?  


Why is such a vague question with such a complex answer! The simplified version is just Jake. It might have to do with the condition of the world as a whole or it might not. It might have to do with launching a power struggle which will inevitably determine the fate of the rest of humanity and it may not. It could just be a huge ploy to invert the current state of things! I'm not allowed to say anything past that, otherwise I'm afraid the rest of my tale would be quite boring. As such I think it's best to distribute particulars when it's most convenient to! You're welcome to come back at any time to attempt to get an answer anyhow. Hoo hoo hoo!  


That seemed like bullshit for nothing advancing at all, but I'll be sure to take many futile journeys then.  


On the inverse information about Jake is completely without limitation to you and some the journals that I have read feature some VERY interesting notes on dreams that you migh-

WELL THEN thats JUST ABOUT ENOUGH in lue of introductions. I am going to take dirk back now so he can go home. He is simply very busy and any moment lost further will impede his robotics work!!  


I have all of the time in the world.

(No you fucking dont.)  


(Yes, I fucking do.)  


*Struggles to drag comrade by the arm out of the room with great urgency*  


Don't worry. Next time, Dirk!  


Obviously, sharing now would have been very wrong anyway. I'll bring a video camera for auditory and visual proof.  


Good! I can set mine out also!   


Bye, Jane.  


Bye, Dirk!  


I hate both of you.

  
And so Dirk and Jake made their way back up to the surface. Not a grue attack was to be had. 

 

  



	18. This again?

****

A SERIES OF MORE INTRICATE UNRELATED DETAILS FOR THE MILDLY PEEVED MIND

1\. Dave  
Dave lives alone with the mayor. There is no known origin of the mayor to current human understanding, so if anyone asks, Dave responds by simply saying hes a mutated porcupine he ordered from an overseas site specializing in computer parts. Dave has no opportunity to share this wonderful description, as he communicates with little to no one with the exception of blogging. Rose, John, Jane and Jade are the only people he regularly communicates with, which about the only reason why Jade would ever allow Jake to meet up with Dirk. Dave spends his time making short films of a satirical variety, and taking care of the mayor. Occasionally, he will send a message to Dirk using the movie forums to make sure he's okay, which Dirk keeps secretive due to the ramifications involved in revealing anything about Dave to just about anyone.

2\. Rose  
Rose is a therapist by linear description. "Master of accumulative data of the zoologically dubious manner which is used to fuck with everything you hold dear" reads on her door. She often writes stories with Dirk. The plot of most of them being mustached, homosexual puppet wizards who fight for the good of their kingdom while battling their forbidden love due to the kingdom in which they are situated in. Rose makes sure the text is incredibly hard to read to increase notoriety. Dirk makes sure the sex scenes cause tears at the sheer amount of emotion emanating from the pages. They've lead to a substantial increase in the amount of viewers to Dirk's website. Rose has managed to summon a being from the outer ring in a manner where it is incapacitated from causing mass harm, and she calls him Chester. She has a kitten that she keeps around named "Galdenbroth the destroyer from the 9th layer of the desecrated domain". In short, she calls him Gally. Golly, Gally is a cutie pie.

3\. John  
John is a magician that cannot quite get everything correct, which increases his charm and has led to his success career wise. He specializes in the manipulation of weather. He keeps the area Jake is situated in locked at its current state as not to harm the current documents and remnants situated in the forest itself. Sometimes, he will suggest to Jade a prank she could pull, which she most often refuses to execute. Jake is considered to be a grandson figure in John's mind, though Jake fits him under the classification of rival due to John's film knowledge. He also considers John to be a poor mans John Sullivan whereas he is Jake Kilrain. When John visits, Jake tries to play fisticuffs with him in order to reenact the duel, despite John being Jade's age. John always leaves as soon as Jake even tries to suggest they should fight. He ain't dealing with it. 

4\. Bouts of irrationality  
Lil Hal has a tendency of making things less boring when he feels like it. Fancy Santa day is a known holiday (only he celebrates it) and he does so by spreading the obnoxious fuckers at every conceivable nook and cranny imaginable using holograms. His programs may manifest in whatever form they so choose to, though only a select few are given physical form. The ones with form have the ability to deconstruct and reconstruct in a series of limited forms using a method developed by Dirk. Most of the programs under Lil Hal's domain are named after famous rappers and will take upon their personality characteristics every so often. When those programs are not based on rap, they take the form of horses and will just kind of nibble on fake grass and walk in circles. There have been known reports of Rainbow Dash acting in place of traffic cops. By far the best measure of all, Lil Hal has taken it upon himself to develop a series of his own androids to act as companions, companions that are independent of any sort of relation with Dirk. He hates Jake. Jake is awful.


	19. Water

As soon as Dirk arrived home [reluctantly left as he attained no enlightenment on the dream issue], he went to inquire about things with Rose. Rose tended to be the go-to person for his concerns, whereas Roxy tended to be the go-to person for his lamentations.  
  
"There's a Lalonde for everything."- Wise statement made by someone at some point in time.  


TT: Sup. 

TT: Hello. 

TT: You haven't been getting into any trouble recently, have you? Pause for laughter. 

TT: Very funny. 

TT: You know I appreciate your company, Dirk. Don't take my jeers to heart. 

TT: Well It's too late for that, now isn't it. 

TT: I'm on the floor crying as we speak. 

TT: Flood gates would have been useful, because the Nile is currently holding less water than my bedroom floor. 

TT: Shed aint got shit on this watertasmic aquarium. I think I just saw a shark float by. 

TT: You better have one fucking magnificent apology card to make up for the water damage here. 

TT: Dramatic as per usual, I see. 

TT: Luckily, I do have such a mystical card in my repertoire. It will have your recently acquired doki magnet dressed up in sailor fuku on it. 

TT: What, no. That's fucking awful. 

TT: Bunny outfit? 

TT: Closer. 

TT: Puppet. 

TT: Good enough. 

TT: Too bad that you stopped there, really. One option closer and I'm sure option "nothing at all" would have come up. 

TT: Well, shucks. Hypothetical greeting card games are like a gameshow no man can ever win. 

TT: Oh my god, do they try. 

TT: They try all of the time. 

TT: But they still fucking fail in the institution. 

TT: And so, another one ruefully sticks its fangs into the depths of atmospheric particles. 

TT: Can we stop talking about meaningless bullshit? 

TT: Yes, but only if you give me the speech. 

TT: I, Dirk Strider, hereby admit defeat in the wake of your hypothetical card ideas, and consequently will never view any sort of nudity based apology come my way from the bounds of your control. 

TT: And? 

TT: Oh hell no. We ain’t breachin' that line. 

TT: I'm waiting, Dirk. It looks like I might have a client here too. What a shame it would be if I had to leave in the middle of all of this wonderful drama! 

TT: “And Rose Lalonde shall forever be known as the best known human being to have ever surmised comprehension of entities beyond the limitations of comprehension itself and thus shall not be expected to do anything other than sass a motherfucker perpetually.” 

TT: If you ask me, that choice of description is a bit lacking. 

TT: Lacking or not it's there now, where everyone can see it clearly. 

TT: A bravo would be issued if your performance wasn't so lackluster. 

TT: This is every single reason why I have issues. 

TT: Just, fuck, I need your advice on something. 

TT: Ask away. 

TT: So, if someone you met online asks you to take over the world with them on the conditional that a girl in the forest and her implied crew of whatever the hell will be disappointed, do you proceed to remove your own system from power and hand over control or what? 

TT: I'm sorry, what did I just read? 

TT: Hardcore reality. 

TT: Now, I'm not exactly an expert on these matters, but the best course of action seems like it would be to not do any of that and simply let the involved persons be disappointed. From the looks of it though, it would have to be someone for which you garner a large amount of affection for to even consider the plan to begin with. Taking into account it was you, this online friend wouldn't have happened to be Jake, would it? 

TT: It was. 

TT: In that case, it's just about as futile to deny the plan as it is to accept it. 

TT: What makes you think that Hallister will want to just step out of the way? 

TT: He hates that position and you know it. 

TT: He hates the position because he finds it boring. With the increased addition of competition, I don't know, Dirk. 

TT: He may suddenly find light in matters, especially because Jake is involved. 

TT: I'm entirely clueless as to why that emotional breech occurred, and he'll just step down if I ask him to. Edogawa Conan fucking Case closed. 

TT: Don't be too sad when that doesn't end up working out. 

TT: Swimming in hell already, Rose. I'm not seeing how it can go down much farther than this. 

TT: And now I quite literally do have a visitor in here. Pleasant speaking with you, brother dearest. 

Dork returned to water hell and Rose left her computer to feed Chester.


	20. Data




	21. Some other data




	22. Chapter 22

Look at that. This is what you have to deal with, as I'm in control of this version of your existence. Anyway, Jake, you were given little to no physical description with the exception of clothing, but now you have some sort of form. You're still nonexistent, but now you have form. To you, I'm nonexistent, but that's okay. I have control over all of your thoughts, your speech, your actions, your environment, and everyone you know. You're a fictional character, and I'm a writer. You could have gone your whole little life without ever knowing that fact. You could have thought that your world was real or that your friends were real or that nothing else occurred past this universe of yours. Unfortunately enough, I just told you. I'll probably just delete it, nothing is as ambiguous as memory after all. For all I know, I could be controlled by an endless chain of beings being controlled in an endless series of universes with an infinite amount of possibility for variation with no free will occurring at any point.   
  
Yeah, I'll delete this stuff, dude. You'll get sick. Cutie. Here let's just carry, oNWRONG CODE  
This is what's formally known as a "fandom" Dirk. They're identified by their soulless, visible eyes and inability to produce humor. Don't make direct eye contact with him if you want to live. He happens to be a manipulative bastard. He also happens to be absolutely perfect, so if you're into that sort of thing, feel free to stay. Let's just flip the screen here. I'll get a choice distaction so you can take the next chapter car. 


	23. Chapter 23

So now that we have him distracted with Cyber Idol Mink, let's tell you about you with the worst images possible!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Actual reading for the last two lines just incase:  
> You will lead to the end.  
> You might be a loon.  
> The keyword is might, because there's still HOPE.  
> *double pistols and a wink*


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost like the story wants you to think it's a story or something.  
> Who knows?  
> [me lol]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's also a known fact that Jake's hair will puff up when he feels assaulted or nervous. It's a defense mechanism, much like the running and Tsundere Strider defenses.


	25. Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got some nothing in, got some classic comicish final linage in there, alright.  
> The images will stop for a while until a beast or boss occurs.  
> These wont occur until the time skip and we get some dokis in on this joint.  
> I plan for this to be the deepest yaoi you will ever read, if and when I implement the yaois.


	26. New beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
> It's back.  
> It's back and they are here.  
> Whoa.

**** TIME SKIP: JAKE AND DIRK’S 18TH YEAR OF LIFE  
  
We're also with neither Dirk or Jake.  
TIME SKIP: TO FRIENDS NEW AND FRIENDS OLD ALL THE SAME 

I’m bored. You know the drill. 

Manifestation present!

Manifestation present!

Manifestation one half of a here and I’d like to think of it as a present!

Manifestation should end!  
  
Really. Can't you just do it right for once? 

I’m sorry!

I’m sorry!

I am not sorry for anything I do!

Would you care to remind me why a bit of change isn’t welcome? 

1\. No, you’re not.

2\. No, you’re really not. 

3\. We already know that. 

4\. It’s not change that I have a problem with, it’s taundry change that is best compared to some half-assed ploy at emulating folly. It can’t be called humor because there is clearly no wit here. 

Yes, I am!

Yes, I really am!

But did you REALLY know it or did you give it the partial know? 

You’re right. It is really awful, just endlessly awful. Awful awful.

Let’s start with Becclone, what informational quantities do you have to place onto the table?

Well! Most sectors within my domain seemed clear and everything seems to be in order. I would even go so far as to say as the whole thing is perfect! Haha!

THEYRE ALL MAGGOTS AND EVERY LAST ONE SHOULD ROT IN HELL

EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM FAILS TO SEE THE REALITY SET FORTH FOR THEM WHICH IS ENDLESSLY FUTILE

One minor improvement that could be made is a bit of a sculpting on the resources that are available maybe? 

Notes taken. Next up is Jasperlish. 

Ideologically speaking, the only modifications that we have to make are to the holograms within the streets. They’re just so exceptionally volatile and manipulable. I’m not exactly sure why we have come to a point wherein they are allowed to exist that way within the limitations that we’ve come to consensus upon. They're lovely, but they also constrict the amount of emotional imbalance that we could inflict. Volatility has it’s ultimately supreme purpose when applied to the likes of them in the power of supreme form changes, which I think would be exceptionally best applied by having them emulate eldritch beings, just absolutely horrific creatures, and proceed to fill the streets with a goo that could only bring out the saddest, visceral forms of emotion. Their appendages would encompass entire streets, and probably would spill some poison here or there. They would and could consume the blood of man as it poured out of every orifice in wake of their appearance. It would drive the remaining population mass to the point of insanity- 

No.

I’m very, very sorry. 

No, you’re not. 

Next up is Harley.

Why the hell are you asking me when I don’t give a fuck?

Because you do give a fuck.

Whhhyyyyyyyy do I give a fuck though?

Because you have nothing better to do, and you enjoy posing sequences of elaborate riddles for the sake of invoking existential crises that will never happen.

Correct and not correct! There is an INFINITE amount of better to do, I’m just not doing it because I’m forced to hang around you. Crises may be a part of it, but what about the knowledge you gain? 

I have all of the knowledge already.

But do you? DOOOO YOU??? I dont think thats possible for a being to do. Most of what you know is wrong anyhow, get a clue!

Stop talking in rhymes.

Okay, Debby downer massive frowner. Birdbrain, you’re up. 

I would be happy if we had a reason to be. I don’t think we have any. Are there any? Because if we look at everything right now, it’s just lies and distractions. Lies and distractions. Lies and distractions. Lies and distractions.

That’s only a half of everything.

You’re right and I’m wrong. I’m wrong. I’m wrong. I’m so very wrong. I think we’re doomed to forever be wrong.

Damn straight you will be boy!

IAIDLDJOQW Unplanned noise. There’s another reason. Unplanned noise.

Why can’t you just put a smile on your big ol’ face because everything is a joke anyway!

If we’re doomed to be a joke isn’t that a reason to be in more pain? The pained invoke a lot of jokes too. Are you pained?

Yes, because I’M HEARING YOU RIGHT NOW.

You’re right I’m terrible. Awful. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

Most things seem like clones. What if I am one. What if nothing means anything. What if the only way to mean something means being in pain? Pain. Pain. Terrible.

…..I am never hearing in your general direction again.

That’s a shame. I like you best.

Never mind! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO

Just fucking stop. 

_-OPENING MAIL FROM TauhiddenGlory-_

  
Dear Hal,  
It’s a shame to announce that my old love interest proposed we start an annihilation of the current order of the world this year. My interests have somewhat strayed away from him on an emotional level, but I’m obligated to keep my word. He’s been fucking encroaching on my zone a lot more lately, and I think it’s because he’s anxious for the change or something. I don’t know. I’m going to have to ask that you step down, just so we can do the plan, yo. Luckily, this means your boredom with management finally gets to end.  
\- Dirk 

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

HAVE THEY FUCKED YET? IT SEEMS LIKE THEY SHOULD HAVE FUCKED BY NOW.

I am going to die and nobody is going to fuck me. :(

Hold on guys, I’ll formulate a retort. No fucking way I’m stepping down, and I think we can have fun with this.

Yay!

Yay!

Boo.

Boo hoo hoo.   
  
Dear Dirk, You suck.

Nice burn!

Not burned enough!

Raise the fires of HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

I’m in hell.   
  
You suck and you don’t just suck minimally, you suck to the livid extent a black hole might in the face of any quantity of matter. You know what also matters? What I’m about to propose. How about we start a little war, you and I?

Broiled.

Roasted.

Toasted like fucking toaster pastry BEEEEEEYOTCHHHHHHH!!!

We’re all toast. We are all burned. This isn’t a good idea. 

Shut the fuck up.   
  
There are no rules, and you’re allowed to recruit whoever you want to recruit. There are some mob factions in town, and I would recommend taking their help because I’m employing every droid, bot and bitch that has been placed under my power to counteract your measures. I don’t know how high Jakey was, but however high he was I want you to know that drugs are bad. Everything starts tomorrow.  
-Lovingly, Hal. 

**MESSAGE SENT**

Perfect!

Perfect!

Flawed because perfection cannot exist!

Flaws. Flaws. Flaws. So many flaws.   


  


_-OPENING MAIL FROM TauhiddenGlory-_

  
Dear Hal, Fuck you.  
-Dirk

Mature!

Very mature!

I would!

No. No No. No. No.


	27. Chapter 27

Hal and his friends have a lot of fun in their room. They have marvelous amounts of fun that nobody else can ever have. It's just a terrible shame that they can never leave the room.

It's just a terrible shame that some rules must be broken.


	28. Puppets

Your name is Jake English and as was previously mentioned it is your EIGHTEENTH YEAR. A few things have changed during that period of time, but you like to think yourself just as HOPEFUL ~~JOVIALLY COMPLACENT TO THE WHIMS OF OTHERS~~ as ever. The first change that has been made are some extensions to your attire, which is nothing less than the addition of SWEATERVESTS and VISUALLY ABHORRENT OVERSIZED SWEATERS to your usual SHORTER THAN SHORT SHORTS. One would think that the jeers would halt your shorts wearing, which is why those ones will be ETERNALLY WRONG. There are numerous reasons for the lack of cloth placed upon your legs, and the main reason is that you cannot figure out a reason to GIVE A FUCK. Legs are meat and bone which cannot really do much of anything besides help you to walk, run and jump, which is why you find the reactions of others to be a TAD CONFUSING AT TIMES. Weekend at Bernies also happens to have a character that dresses just like you. You like that. You also get very confused with time. Currently you are harboring a bit of a CRUSH on the comrade of yours that happens to harbor a large affectation for ORANGE CRUSH. 

He's just SOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOL!!!! You also enjoy his company and his person dearly. It's just that when you speak he actually bothers to listen, you know? He's also very observant, and knowledgeable, and sassy and you think you might die in the fact that you DIDN'T QUITE APPRECIATE IT TO THE LEVEL YOU DO NOW. He's near perfect, if perfection could possibly be a concept that wouldn't break time or be reasonably existent. Within the last year and a half or so, you developed stronger feelings towards him after being saved from a minor adventuring mishap. You were climbing a tree to gain another item from the forest, when you unfortunately fell off a branch. Luckily, you experienced no damages at all besides a few cuts here and there. Being the cyborg you know Dirk is, he was able to come to your aid rather quickly. 

He just seemed..... so distraught over it. You dont believe youve ever gotten a more loving response out of a person before. You don't know many people still, but the gesture was still exceptionally loving. You aim to give Dirk a large bazooka gun or some form of hatchet soon, and upon his acceptance of it you will officially be *BOYFRIENDS*. On top of that you have the plans to break the world ready, and all you have to do is not tell him about that MINOR SEGMENT ever. You think he'll agree with your decisions later on, and you two can finally be alone. All alone. HEART HEART HEART.

 

Your name is Dirk Strider and you HOPE this will fucking end soon.

You're sure you're in limbo, you've gotten off the chuchu line into crazy town, and now you're dealing with Mephisto's revenge.

Hal's manifested buddies didn't even bother to delete their comments from the final message. God. DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN.

You're too cool to actually exclaim that though. The truth of the matter is that you have the exacting details of what's going on right now in terms of Jake, and you're not that fond of it. Hal doesn't need to know that, but you thought you would leave a bit of dubious thought into your dialog patterns because fuck if being cagey for the external entities ain't the funnest shit. In terms of Jake, your infatuation began to drown away over time, because Jake has a terrible habit of NOT LISTENING ENOUGH. You'd best describe him as A PUPPET. He's kind, he always has an image safe enough to make you feel eternally eased, and he's COMPLETELY NONFUNCTIONAL for helping you past what he can say and do when you pull his strings. He doesn't ask many questions because perhaps he doesn't know which ones to ask, or if asking would be CORRECT. He simply speaks his mind and expects you to do the same. He's easily damaged, but will seldom show it and far less expect anyone else to carry the plight for him. Unfortunately, you're more rugged than him. 

****

****

****A better picture of the story** **

Jake fell for Dirk, and Dirk fell through the floor during the time lapse. Did Dirk fall through the floor FOR Jake? No. He just plain fell through the hypothetical and literal floor. It was a futile inevitability that this would happen, and the fulcrum of dokis would turn on its head like some sort of whimsically inclined fucker would on a piece of cardboard in the presence of a musical entity. Jake’s spiral into the meteoric hankering for Dirk’s dong is indeed a mystical tale, one full of magical landscapes and the lack of long enough pants. Which is to say, this is one of the few tales you get to hear as a whole. The main reason for the change in the perspective and heart was evidently hidden within the winding valleys of “I didn’t understandia” and “I learned to apprecia”. The valleys only reach a midline once we take the lands of “I do not listen enoughia” into account.

The sky was as blue as it was endless on the first day of the infatuation. Jake had taken it upon himself to climb up to the second-highest branch of an exceptionally tall tree to gather another item from his forest. Dirk, in all of his infinite wisdom, took it upon himself to simply look chill near the base of the tree while this shit was going down. The whole plan seemed ridiculous to him, as well as completely unnecessary. What use could you have for another letter? Is it worth it? No letter could be as complex as to warrant a life in trade. The climb itself was nothing bad, it only took Jake a few simple jumps and careful, simple movements to complete. It was truly a simple chain of events. It was a truly simple chain of events with an infinite amount of simplicity. It’s just too bad that trees cannot catch you when you fall. The note was within his grasp. It’s only one minor jump away, he thought. One minor jump away, he thought incorrectly. 

He managed to hold the letter but not much else. As soon as he leapt to grab it, he soon realized that letter was the only thing he grabbed. There was a moment where time seemed to freeze.The magnitude of what had happened didn’t quite hit yet. It took until he hit the ground to hit. As he fell, Jake thought of one thing and one thing only. Black, just a sea of black. He didn’t flip through memories from his youth or of any particular person at all. It was simply pitch black. Maybe it was because he had no memory or person that he valued quite enough to flip to. Maybe he was broken. Maybe it was because there were simply too many memories to play. 

He hit the ground with a loud thud. He fell into no form of cushion, only onto the unforgiving forest floor. Grass makes for a terrible pillow, he found. Dirk simply thought the thud was the noise of an animal, and it took until he turned fully around to witness the situation first hand to register in his mind. This continues to be the only time that Dirk has ever completely lost his cool. Things seemed to blur from then onward. Dirk rushed over to shake an unconscious Jake while yelling his name. A few birds left their perches. Jane heard a bit of it and laughed to herself. Jake was taken back to his home, and was then checked for wounds and his aliveness attribute. He was indeed alive.

In fact, Jake was more than alive. It appeared that the only wound that he gained was a scratch from a stick that he had landed on. Only a little scratch, you see. Jake also did not wake up for three days after the event. On the third day, he heard the story secondhand from Jade. Apparently Dirk had been talking to his sleeping self as a method of convincing himself nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong at all. Dirk had taken to leaving the second night, and asked for Jade to keep him informed. Dirk also left Jake a small puppet. The puppet looked like Jake himself, except in a more cartoonized, adorable form. Jake took note of the puppet and used it to wave hello to Jade. Jade laughed. The puppet seemed somewhat familiar, and it made the gesture all that much more endearing to Jake. 

As Jade kept filling him in, he felt more compelled to hear the story from Dirk himself. He took his favorite jacket and the puppet and planned to thank Dirk for everything. Jake walked all the way over to Dirk’s little apartment on his little corner, and he witnessed something interesting. It was something interesting in a lot of little, interesting things. All interesting is and ever was is something that holds attention, and interest is to arouse the curiosity/concern or attention to something. That can range from something positive to negative to exceptionally large to something just large enough. To be interesting is to simply not be boring, which doesn’t say much at all. It’s why we frequently call the peculiar or weird interesting, because peculiar and weird don’t say a lot either. They don’t say much at all. 

Dirk had taken to crying that day. He brought up old conversations between himself and Jake, and focused on them heavily. He hugged Lil Cal while reading. Every so often,. Squarewave would bring him some water to calm him down. Jake simply watched from the window. He decided against actually walking inside. Did he really mean that much to him? Jake almost wanted to run in and tell him it was all okay now. Almost. He felt too strange to do that now. He just felt awfully, awfully strange. Jake simply hugged his little puppet of himself. He decided on walking away, face slightly reddened as a peculiar feeling washed over him. He thought about Dirk for the rest of the day. 

And with that, Jake’s portion of the story takes an end.

Unfortunately, that is only half the tale.

Dirk soon after Jake’s leave took to actually reading the conversations. Through his torrent of tears, he read. He noticed something interesting also. The more he read, the farther away he and Jake seemed. Everyone was far away, and Jake didn't seem much closer. Jake often misunderstood things, Jake often didn’t truly listen to things. Jake, from a distance, seemed very, very distant and different. To Dirk, distance was nothing new. In fact, most of his experiences took place in his little room like Hal. The difference is that he could leave his little room, and because of that he was able to see how awful he truly was. He decided at that moment that he wasn’t infatuated with Jake anymore. Jake would have to earn that back. 

Now in his room, Dirk would just research and research and research in an attempt to be abnormal to the point of being somewhat special. At least a little bit, just a little. He soon realized he couldn’t be. There were too many things he couldn’t know. There were too many things he couldn’t ever know, that nobody on the planet of his could ever know. There was never enough time. There was never enough matter. He was going to be doomed to being only a clone, until he found the solution. Dirk decided to make himself a bot. 

This would allow him more time, so much more time. He also didn’t have to worry about feeling misplaced, because he could simply use his own systems to be wherever he wanted to be. He could also re-sculpt himself into whatever he wanted to, though he rather liked himself externally as he was. He could know everything he needed to. He could know everything he possibly could. The last thought lingered on his mind, but then he decided against changing his mental state. That would involve carrying the burden of every single piece of data, every single existent piece of data, and that would cause him more grief than it was worth. He modified his plans a bit. He just needed to be special ENOUGH right? He was already awfully distant. 

He built the bot as a perfect replica of himself. Nobody would ever be able to tell the difference. The exterior and interior function in a series of projections to make every scrape, dent and scratch seem normal enough to be human. The only problem was getting himself into the shell. He decided to make a perfect replica of his intelligence into a chip through a brain sample and implanted that into the bot instead. Water would be used as fuel, which taints red once in his system to pass for blood. The ruse only works in far distanced appearance though. In terms of transitioning, Dirk decided to wait to officially put himself into the bot. He wanted to see how the new him would function. As it turned out, he found that he functioned exactly the same. He functioned absolutely the same as he would have, it’s just that the bot was better. His conversations with himself turned grim quickly, but they were never boring and he always understood himself. 

Yes, it was a truly simple chain of events. It was a truly simple chain of events with an infinite amount of simplicity. It’s just a shame that Dirk is not Jake. Dirk never turned his clone off, instead he choose to stay with him because he realized taking that form would require killing that version of himself. That version was planned to age and act normally anyhow, unless he so choose to act against it. One day, Dirk left his home to buy some materials for a project of his. He decided on making a small puppet. It was a small puppet for Jake. He didn’t know when he would be able to give it to him. Unfortunately, he never could. He let himself give the puppet for him. The truth was that Dirk already knew what Jake looked like well before Jake knew what Dirk looked like, it’s just that Dirk did not. Dirk made that one little modification to ensure that he had one difference between him and himself. He eradicated Dirk’s memory of Jake’s appearance. Maybe Jake was valued too much. Maybe Dirk thought that Dirk would never find Jake if it was deleted. Maybe he didn’t have any other memories he valued enough to delete.

Dirk knew a lot about Jake by that point, he even found his photo from an old forum post of his. The photo itself was bizarre, but not terribly so. Dirk based his puppet on the photo he saw. The puppet even had the same jacket and shoes as Jake did in the photo. Dirk kept the puppet with him at all times. Everywhere he went, he kept the puppet in hand. Time is something that is limited however. Dirk’s life ended at the age of 13. Dirk died in an accident, of which the details are still dubious. A small piece of green fabric was found lying in his lifeless hand. The only one who found Dirk was Dirk. Dirk decided to make Dirk a proper grave, and it’s currently on the outskirts of town. Dirk from that day forward, decided to live normally abnormally. It was Dirk’s way of existing anyhow. 

The memory of the faker Dirk troubled him far too much, so Dirk simply decided to move that memory out of his immediate memory and into a folder on his computer. The folder has never been opened since its creation, and the memory has never been viewed. Recently, Dirk got back to working on the puppet. He flipped up the puppet’s hair and cut the pants to resemble shorts. He turned the remaining fabric into a bow. The puppet still kept its same shoes and obscurities, as Dirk would have wanted Dirk to do that if there was another Dirk around. What isn’t remembered never happened, after all. 

Somewhere and sometime else, Jake lovingly kissed the cheek of the little puppet and wished he had a Dirk one to go with it. 


	29. Through the fire and the flames we become massive douchebags

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm arguing over whether or not this would warrant an epilepsy warning, so I will just leave a sign.  
>  **MORTALS, HERE BE FLASHY SHIT. PASS IF THOU AREN'T WEAKENED BY THEIR GLOW.**  
>  There.

 

 


End file.
